many thanks accuray!! i've printed out your posts so that i can reference them each time i need a reminder...

i've read 5LL (i know that H's primary ll's are acts of service & words of affirmation). i plan on getting the other books & reading those soon.

i think you're absolutely right - to a certain extent, i'd been making the 180's "for H" instead of "for myself". thinking about it this way makes it a bit easier to think in terms of being detached i think...like i can make these changes and not be so tied to getting a certain reaction from h.

you also really hit the nail on the head with:
Quote:

It is also possible that there is no real interest left in the relationship. In my experience, the only way to truly determine how much, if any, caring a distancer has for his pursuing partner is for her to stop pursuing. If he cares for her, after the initial reaction against the nonpursuit, he will start pursuing her. If he does not care enough, he will move on to something or someone else. The question of whether or not their partner cares for them haunts pursuers unceasingly. They may dread finding the answer, which will be evident when the pursuer has successfully stopped pursuing and the distancer doesn't pursue her. It is extremely painful for a pursuer to find out, after all that time, that her partner really doesn't love her after all. However, after the initial shock, it can be very liberating to finally know the reality and be able to make decisions based on that knowledge."


i think this is what i'm most afraid of...that at the end of the day, h realizes that he didn't really love me after all and that leaving is the right choice and that he won't come back. but then again, say this is true, why would i want someone that doesn't want me? i guess this plays into my fears that perhaps i'm just not lovable if h rejects me. its irrational, i know, but if i'm honest with myself, this is my biggest fear.

i'm still not down with all the acronyms .... MC = marriage counseling?

again, THANKS so much for taking the time to provide us with such invaluable insight!