hi everyone! newbie here....could this be a MLC?

[Accuray]

Yes, the quoted parts are from "The Solo Partner". As long as you are willing to pursue, you're like an insurance policy against loneliness for your distancer -- they know they can always come back and you will take them.

You will not see real change until this insurance policy is revoked. They need to truly believe that your commitment to them is at risk and you are moving on for your own sake. That's an important distinction. If you don't talk to them for 2 weeks, but they know that if they call you'll pick up on the first ring, then you're not really detaching the way you need to, they need to wonder if you'll pick up or not.

When you start to pull back and they start to be nice, that is their campaign to keep you pursuing. That's the *hard* part, to continue to distance when they try to rope you back in. It's very easy to give in at this point and start pursuing again, because it *feels* like what you *should* do. Continuing to disengage is counter-intuitive and feels wrong. Know that going in.

The other important distinction is that "distancing" does not mean being cold or adversarial. On the contrary, you can be very pleasant and friendly. It just means you're not looking for your partner to validate you. You're not looking to them to make you feel good in any way. You're taking care of you without them.

Another book that talks about the virtue of distancing, particularly with a walk-away or cake-eating spouse is "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. Warning: this book is dated, homophobic, and spends a lot of time trying to reconcile divorce with Christian scripture. That said, there is a lot of value in it. Here are some bits that may be helpful to think about. In this passage, he's talking about having a spouse who is "cake eating" -- i.e. continuing to live at home while having an affair. He recommends a confrontation, which is the "crisis" he refers to. If that's not your situation, what he says about distance and the value therein is still valid:

"The precipitated crisis first, must be accompanied by an entire change of attitude. Instead of begging, pleading, wringing your hands...you as the vulnerable partner must appear strangely calm and assured. The key word is confidence, and it is of maximum importance. Your manner should say, 'I believe in me, I am not afraid. I can cope, regardless of the outcome. I know something I'm not talking about. I've had my day of sorrow, and I'm through crying..."

"Not that you should say these things with words, or course. In fact, the less said about your frame of mind, the better. It's your private business. One of the great errors made by the vulnerable lover when things begin to deteriorate is to talk too much. Her secure partner is noncommunicative, evasive, deceptive, and mysterious. He will not sit down and explain his inner feelings to the one who desperately needs that information."

"I'm recommending that you, the one who has sought to hold the marriage together, now choose your words more carefully too. It is as though you and your mate have been involved in a table game with him hiding his cards and you permitting yours to be seen. This has given the independent partner more information than he should have had, especially about the pain you are experiencing. It is time to be more discreet. No more should you reveal your every thought and plan."

"It is important during this time of crisis not to do predictable things. Having lived with you for years, your partner has you analyzed to a tee. He knows what bugs you, what makes you laugh, and what makes you cry. He has memorized all your little 'prerecorded' phrases that sprinkle your conversation. My advice is that you change these tapes. Don't offer suggestions when you would typically do so. Don't be predictable!"

"Your purpose, you see, is to convince this man that events are swirling out of control and may take him in directions he has not anticipated. The old rules don't apply. And why is this new mystery advantageous? Because one of the reasons your lover has lost interest in the relationship is that the challenge is gone. It's become so monotonous and routine. Hence, you would be wise to turn the whole thing upside down."

Finally:

"An interesting thing happens when this kind of quiet confidence suddenly replaces tears and self-pity. Curiousity infects the aloof party, and he begins to probe for details. For the first time in months, perhaps, he's coming your way. He's saying 'You seem different tonight,' and 'I hope you're beginning to get over our problems'. He's baiting you to find out what's going on inside. It is uncomfortable for him to observe that changes are occurring which he neither controls nor understands. Tell him nothing. She *needs* to wonder."

It goes on to say that despite your partner's stoic appearance, he will be wrestling with feelings of guilt and self-doubt. There is still a tiny spark for you there, and you have to give it space to kick up into a flame versus smothering it and snuffing it out.

Hope that helps

Accuray