Most of you can ignore this post. I just need a place to journal my feelings right now. I hope this is ok with the mods. I have been divorced now for almost a year. I met someone in December and things were going really well. Then I find out in February she had been lying to me about a few things and cheated on me (we decided together in January to be exclusive).
One of her lies was that instead of being divorced for 4 years, she wasn't divorced yet and was getting a divorce. If I had of known that from the start, I would not have continued. Right now, because she was married for so long, she is in the stage of "getting out and experiencing life". She loves attention from men and will do whatever she has to to get it (I think you understand what I mean from that).
We have broken up and got together a few times in February. This last time, she decided to "be with" a guy she had just met that was the boyfriend of another lady I introduced her to. That caused them to break up as he has a problem with keeping it in his pants (especially with women with low self esteem). Here is where I am right now. I know I deserve so much better. But for the life of me, I can't understand why, since I am the one who keeps breaking up with her, I keep wanting her back. With all the lies, her love of attention, her not able to say no to anyone, her inability to express her feelings and talk about things, oh yeah and her massive drinking...I still know that when we are with each other (I don't mean sexually), it is so good. We have so much in common, it's the way she laughs, her facial expressions, the way we cooked for each other, being next to each other... I have been praying for weeks about this. I am so conflicted. Is it that I am just so lonely that I am willing to put up with anything to feel any type of togetherness? Do I really love her and want her back? I know regardless, she needs to get some things out of her system and go out there and have fun. Lord knows I did it when I got my divorce (please forgive me Lord again for some of the things I did). In my mind, I think if I give her 6 months, maybe it might be out of her system. But in 6 months, she might be out of mine (and probably, she would be).
I do want to say that my entire life, I wasn't the most sucessfull with ladies. I was always shy and didn't have my first real gf until I was a junior in high school. Reall, I only had 4 up until I got married. I never was the one to break up with people...I think because I was afraid I wouldn't ever find anyone else. I wonder if that is my problem now. Maybe I am afraid I won't find anyone else again. The problem with that is I KNOW I am attractive and have qualities women would like. I can talk with people really easy. But I have no "game" so to speak. I have no idea how to start a conversation with a total stranger.
Divorce Busting gave me the skills to know I am going to be ok (I owe Michelle my life for this). I make my own happiness. I am happy with myself, just sad at the situation. Again, I don't expect any replies to this, I just needed to speak my mind. I know how much this forum helped me during my divorce. Thanks for listening...Love you all!
