I'm starting to side with some of the hard liners about how you deal with the WAS, not in some agressive FU response, but just being honest about letting go.
How much of what we do for the WAS in their MLC, psyche crisis, debauchery crisis, alcohol and drug crisis, is really just another form of pursuit? Even if feels like it might be unconditional love, don't we in the end expect some kind of reward in the way we define it - a new M, open love w/ them, etc.
The WAS spouse seems to use all of that as jet fuel to stay in their new found world.
As excrutiatingly painful as it is, they really did say goodbye to all that you are, and if there's love still there, ther's no way you will ever help them uncover it. They might on their own , and you do have to work on your own issues and life, but you need to throw any timetable out the window. This sort of thing can happen to anyone for any reason - illness, death in the family, etc. Just like that your life has changed in a moment forever. We have to move on no matter the particulars of our sitch, and rationalizing their bad behavior and causes won't change a thing about them. We have an obligation to stand for our M's, but anyhting we stand for has to be with us being the best person we can be, and meeting our obligation to bring joy and happiness into the world. Like it or not this is part of our LOTR journey.
On the home front for me that means no more enabling, no more rationalizing, no more self sacrifice.
When the world was telling me my W was an a-hole and I should move on right away I told everyone to back off, that she was a woman in deep trouble and I will stand by her no matter how hard it is. That was the right thing to do in terms of givng this sitch the chance to show itself for what it was. Things change, time does its work, and clarity comes.
Its when you see the collateral damage that you start to realize that you have to push the WAS out of your life, and god bless them that they make it.
Its little things that are big things. Like seeing that my S13 will sleep with his earplugs in so that he doesn't have to hear his Mom on the phone with OM in the next room. It's knowing that your kids are seeing these immoralties and questioning the worthiness of a sacred bond such as M.
Yeah, my W reaches out all the time, and many would say that's good. In reality she is just reaching out for a safety net. Once she knows it's there and feels safe, it's right back to a self centered world of me, me, me. Despite the psyche issues, it's despicable in many ways. I rationalized a lot of bad behavior with her psyche crisis, and so does she.
