Hi again Accuray, ill try to answer your questions in order:

1) regarding h feeling "inadequate" and not "good enough," he's said that for the past few months, i'd made him feel like he wasn't a good husband. when he did the 180 on the having kids thing, i had said some hurtful things, including that i wasn't sure if i'd have married H if he had made it clear he didnt want kids before we got married. Plus, I’d been kinda guilty of nagging h about being more romantic and helping out more around the house. As a result, h hadn’t felt that his contributions were appreciated. Part of h’s spew was that he felt as though I never appreciated him, and that’s kinda what got me thinking that part of h’s fear was that he’ll always feel as though I wouldn’t be happy with him. Especially since he knows that having kids is impt to me, and hes not sure if he’d be able to deliver in that respect, and hes afraid that 5-10 years down the line, I’d resent him.
2) The pursuer/ distance dynamic seems pretty right on too. I guess its not too hard to figure out who is one up & who is one down in my sitch. Throughout our r, I’d always been the one to initiate affection and the ILY’s, but never associated that to me being more invested in the R. I’d always just thought that maybe h’s need for affection was just less than mine. But definitely, during the past few months when things have been pretty rocky, I’d say this whole thing has been pretty accurate in terms of summing up our dynamic:

Quote:
This tends to be a longer term relationship dynamic where one partner (the one-down) is insecure in the relationship / pursuing the other and always feels that the other one doesn't really love them.

The pursued partner (the one-up) feels guilty and responsible. They feel the one-down nitpicks them and is always complaining or looking for more, and they're not motivated to give it.

This is often triggered when one person feels they want the other person more than the other person wants them. They try to compensate for that by proving how much they love the other person, and when the other person doesn't reciprocate, they both get frustrated and try harder. It's exhausting for both parties.

If this makes sense to you, I can share some of the things you can do about it, but I don't want to go into all that if this does not characterize your situation, and only you know tha
t.

^^^^^
Yes, if you could share your thoughts about what i can do to minimize our pursuer/distancer dynamic, i'd so appreciate it!!

i'd kinda been having trouble with detaching and also doing my 180s, since a few of my 180s involved addressing the issues h had with me. for example, ive been going out of my way to show h i appreciate him and also by doing a lot more of the chores & keeping things extra tidy around the house. unless im mistaken, aren't these typically considered pursuing behaviors? as a result of my efforts, things with h seem to be getting a lot friendlier lately (good sign), but the fact that he hasn't budged or slowed down at all with the divorce has me kind of questioning if my approach is correct. one thing i should note is that h has mentioned that down the line, if he realizes that he made a mistake, he will come back. he just needs to see if being alone will provide him the peace/fulfillment he is searching for.

i also loved the point you made about feeling "out of control" and how that may make me and how that may make me feel like i love h more than i should in light of how hes been treating me lately. i think there is a lot of merit to this. if i'm honest, part of why i'm still kinda holding on is that i've invested so much energy and emotions trying to db that if i give up, i'd feel as though all my efforts would be wasted. i do think my h was a wonderful man before all this started, and i'd do anything to get that h back, but if i'm honest with myself, im not sure i'd be happy to be married to who he is "now".