Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[AlwaysTrying]

This is the letter I wrote to her Saturday night. Should I have not said any of this? Do I need to stop trying to communicate?

It is so hard to leave. Every time. I don't think you can appreciate.

I know it feels like... I guess I don't know. It's not right for you. It's not time for your to believe.

I believe. I do. I feel that we will one day be able to do this. I have to try. I can find strong enough reasons to do this work.

I admit I don't understand why you're not able, at least not yet. But I accept it.

But still, I hope and await some kind of help.

I hope that some day you will see that allowing someone like Laurie facilitate some conversations is a way for you to get exactly what you need.

I don't know why you seem to be afraid.

When you're ready, I just want to make our lives better, whatever the outcome.

I want to know what to do next. Father. Husband. Friend. I believe in these things. I believe in a future.

Honestly, I know I've caused you pain. I understand if you don't want to risk eroding the walls and distance between us.

I understand that this is about you and how you feel and what you believe is best for you.

I'm going to call to schedule an appointment with the DB coach tomorrow. I have two months left on our temporary cease fire, and I need to make them count.

And... I need her to say to me at some point in those two months that she is willing to start seeing someone to help us resolve conflicts and ease tensions. I want to know that if I'm not coming home, there is a good reason for it. Some progress is being made.

After two months, I can probably give us more time and put off the divorce by staying put. Maybe. Coming home will probably force her hand to get the divorce rolling again.

I want my life back.