Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing

[purgatory]

Wow sweetie, I'm so sorry for you to be going through this. ((((((Jenna))))))

A few things came to mind while reading your last few posts:
(please remember, I care about *you* and these thoughts are sent with love and support)

He *is* making some positives, you even said so yourself (after you reflected for a day.) Did you tell him this? I'm not agreeing or defending his stupid boy choices about staying out all night- but in order to get more of the behaviors that you *want*, they need to be acknowledged and encouraged. I'm sure you already do this with your kids (without even realizing it): when the kids make you breakfast or a 'present'- and the side effect is a big giant mess in your kitchen- do you fuss at them for making a mess, while brushing over the nice thing they did for you.... Or do you give them bunches of praise and hugs/kisses for doing something nice, and then ask their help to clean up after you've enjoyed your breakfast? The same theory applies with J, when he approached you to tell you about the strip club, any appreciation that you gave for him telling the truth (which is the behavior you *want*) was probably overshadowed by you're angry tone and reminding him that he lied by omission.

You made a few references to *him* not trying hard enough, not putting as mic effort as you into the R.... These are the same things I heard from my H when we were on our way to the bomb. He never gave me specific goals/tasks that he was looking for- just that he was angry that I wasn't putting forth effort. This left me to a trial and error series of events, hoping that one of them was what he was looking for. When I would meet one benchmark, he would toss another complaint into the pile- and this left me angry because I felt like he actually had a checklist in his he's of what he was lookin for- but instead of showing me the whole list and letting me try to make changes simultaneously- he only let me see one at a time. I felt like this allowed him to continue to play the victim in his mind; thinking: "well yeah, she did [blank] but she hasn't done [blank, blank and blank] this means she's not putting enough effort. She obviously doesn't care about me enough."
The really frustrating thing was that I spent ALL of my time and energy trying different things to make him happy and show him how crazy in love I was, but it wasn't good enough because my actions didn't match the 'checklist' he had in his head. When you go into the counselor, don't just say "why don't you respect me?" Take this time before the session to be honest with yourself and literally make that checklist that I'm sure you have in your head (ex: showing respect looks like: *asking* me if it's ok that you stay out later, instead of assuming or being controlling by just *telling* me what you're going to do.) Do your R a favor, and be honest with the details, general statements leave A LOT for interpretation- and his interpretation might not be the same as yours.

I made both of these mistakes in my M. I also said "if you loved me you would do [blank]"; "I shouldn't have to tell you what I want from you- you should just know it.". My C told me something that works for every relationship you have (even the kids) "when you use 'should' you are putting 'shame' to their action.".... After the bomb, it wasn't me who was saying 'should' as much anymore, it was H saying: "you should have tried harder", "you should have known what I wanted to see"... It basically took away any amount of effort that I *did* try, I felt like the year of therapy and trying all kinds of new things- wasn't good enough.

Please make your expectations as clear as possible, so there's no chance that J could interpret differently. Make sure you can give specific examples of what 'respect', 'being a priority', 'being a family guy' *LOOK* like- through words or actions. This doesn't mean you are giving him an easy out by writing a script that he can use for every event... Think of it as guidelines. His own love and abilities will have to make the adjustments for each different scenario- and of he truly loves his family, he will Work hard to make the adjustments when they are required. *Then* if he 'messes up' by not sticking to the expectations- you don't have to get angry, you won't even have to say anything. Of he tries to defend or make excuses, just simply remind him of the expectation- no need to shame him or rub his nose in it.

Jenna, I see so much of you and J in what was the beginnings of my M. I speak from my experiences- and I hope you can take some bits and pieces to apply to your R. I hope I wasn't too harsh. I don't mean to seem like I'm defending him in any way or telling you that you're the problem- not my intentions

(((Jenna)))