WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

@Gabby... when I said "sit with my W" I actually meant just sitting with whomever I'm married to (or in a LTR with). I didn't actually mean my current W. No, sitting with her would not be relaxing at all. It would just be nice to come home after a very long weekend of hard training and have someone backing you up and who has your back.

As far as the message/call... we talked about that on Friday. That was the "issues" we discussed. I explained that I didn't like how she handled it and felt manipulated. Her counter was that she thought I would want to know the results of court since they were so counter to what we she thought would happen. And I do have an investment in the court outcome... if she prevails I get to see my SS and SD two to three times a week, otherwise it's the one, maybe two, times I get now. Anyway, I calmly explained what a 911 text meant to me and that if she really needed to talk to just say that in her text. I may respond, I may not, but that should be my choice.

As far as validating... that's a tough call for me. In our marriage it was one of my greatest shortcomings. When she had an emotionally charged issue I'd let her deal with it and wouldn't "step in the puddle" with her. Or if I did it was all about fixing the problem and telling her what to do. It's part of how we got here... if she's going to deal with her problems on her own then she might as well be actually alone. At the same time she's chosen to go it alone.

Typically these exchanges aren't very long. The phone call for example was three minutes before I ended it and half of that was her describing the court outcome to me.

Now... whether it makes me uncomfortable... it doesn't really. Sometimes it hurts a bit, but less now. What I have found is that since I've started listening (and stopped trying to find solutions which requires not listening since you're thinking) I have learned a lot more about my W. I understand her much more than in the years we were together. I can hear what's important to her. I would guess that this past week her total "venting" time to me was 15 minutes. What usually gets me down that road though is that an innocuous question/conversation about our kids, schedules, etc... quickly sidetracks into one of these venting sessions. And by the time I realize where we've gone we're into it and then I feel the need to listen for at least a bit before ending the convo.