WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

Journaling now because later I don't know I'll be conscious

It was a good weekend. SS and I spent all weekend together at a winter survival training. We camped out overnight in shelters that we built using whatever was in our gear (no tents allowed). It was his first "big" event with our group and he had a great time. While the event was Sat/Sun we ended up spending all weekend together because he slept over at my house Friday night. We spent much of Friday getting him equipped with his gear. We had fun and he was so appreciative of everything.

It did make me feel bad in a way though... I bought him new winter boots and a new winter jacket. His dad is supposed to buy that stuff but when he finally does he does it on the uber-cheap. I've always groused about it with my W, but we've never rectified it. My W was always going to be damned before she spent our money on stuff XH is supposed to buy. Now, without W having a say in how I spend my money, I went out and got him equipped. He told me, "Wow... this is the nicest jacket anyone has ever bought me!" Well, if you're going to sleep outside in the winter you have to have the right equipment or things go bad. And everything was on insane clearance due to the end of winter.

Friday was odd though too... W had court with XH on Friday. She called me after court but I let it go to voice mail. Then she called again and I ignored it. Then I get a 911 text so I called her back. She starts venting about how court went, how they have to go mediation, and how the current system has to stay in effect until that's done. She is ranting about how angry she is, how selfish her XH is. Finally I cut her off. I tell her I am in a meeting and that I can't talk. When I picked SS up she is still fuming and starts to vent again. Then she makes a point of telling me her friend (i.e. "crush guy") can't stay overnight after all and is going home instead of staying at her place. All the time I'm trying to get SS to hurry up and get his stuff so we can leave. It's crazy I tell ya. I validated as best I could and focused on getting SS ready.

Today I dropped him off. Saw the kids briefly and talked to W briefly. Updated her on a few things and then left. She tried to engage me by asking if I was ok, because on the phone I seemed sad or depressed. I told her I was just exhausted (which was the truth) and that I was great.

Broke down a little after leaving the house. I still miss the kids and my W. I know I'm extra emotional as I'm working on two nights of very short sleep. But today is one of those days I'd love to come home and be able to just crash and sit with my W. Maybe get a backrub since my back is screwed up from humping a rucksack over hill and dale. But that's not in the cards.