Yep, that's the Dave Matthews song I named my new thread after. It's on one of my playlists, and listening to it now- using my sitch as a filter- it has a whole new meaning to me. I'm standing in the space between an unhappy M and a fulfilling future.... alone or with H.
I'm focusing on the 'good things' about my M and choosing to bring those to the future, while leaving the pain behind. I have made peace in my heart that I forgive myself for what I did in the past, doesn't mean I'm making excuses or denying my responsibility for getting to my current sitch. Lord knows I wish I could go back and do things differently, but since a time machine hasn't been invented yet- I have to stop dwelling on the shoulda, coulda, wouldas. I choose to live only in the hear and now and make efforts towards moving forward.
I've seen H become more comfortable around me and the house in recent weeks, but he still hasn't made any signs about changing his mind. He and OW only talk once a week and he's not allowed to go over to her house anymore- per her L orders for her own D proceedings. I'm not an idiot to think that there aren't ways around this- but this is what he has told me and so I choose to let him live with the guilt if in fact he IS lying to me.
On my last thread, NHMOM made a good point: what if he's detaching himself from me and the kids to protect us (in some strange way) in case something happens to him in AFG. Thinking of our interactions with this concept in mind- some of his statements make more sense: "You have to learn how to do this on your own", "I'm not always going to be around to help"... I used to think of these as his way of reminding me that he wants a D, but maybe there's another level to them- that he's actually preparing me to be alone if something bad happens to him. Although he's never told me, he's told his mom (and she shared with me) that he's scared to go. I'm sure there's some shame and embarrassment in that statement; because after all- he DID join the military and knew what could possibly happen.
I have 3 months left before he leaves for a year. I'm choosing to leave him with a good impression of me so that he has happy memories to keep him company when he's alone. I am doing this by continuing to be the person that I want to be (which just happens to be the one he fell in love with so long ago), being present for my kids everyday (regardless of how tired I am), and taking pride in my job (even though it doesn't pay nearly enough.)
I like who I'm becoming.... I can only hope that H does too.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
