Suddenly Separated in VA -- Part 2

[mimivac]

I think the separate acct move is good. Less things to get angry and/or resentful about. That is, if you have an agreement on how joint expenses will be paid.

I agree, and that is what h says, too. I am hung up on the symbolic meaning that this is one step closer to a D. Still have not gotten past that.

I was freaked out about money for 6-7 months (you've probably seen this in my thread, money is a huge trigger for me) but I got my act together, came up with a plan and it works.

I'm glad you were able to do that. You planted those flowers, right? I want to do the same on my balcony, actually. I haven't been able to come up with a financial plan because then I would be planning my life as a single person, and that scares me. Although I have done planning in other realms, the financial is really tripping me up.

As for his coming over, how are you with it?

I don't know. So ambivalent. I often like spending time with him, but it also brings out feelings of being rejected and resentment that he has done this. My h is a good guy and is doing this because he thinks he needs to in order to save himself. If I could see both of us as two people on a jouney to find out who we are and what we want out of life, it would be easier to not feel so implicated. I have flashes of that, but I'm not all the way there.

My thought, he should come and go as you please. I set a ground rule early on. "H, you have chosen to live elsewhere, this is my home. Please call first if you need to come here for any reason."

Yes, I did this, too, and now he tells me when he wants to come over. I guess I am not detached enough NOT to say "yes" every time. Hope this will come with time.

Why do you think he's doing this?

He likes spending time with me, and he also feels guilty for leaving. Per someone's post (25, accuray, mach?), I am trying very hard not to engage in shaming behavior because I don't want his interactions with me to be based on guilt.

Through all this, I am recognizing the need and desire to become more independent and really explore what I want out of life. That has been a huge, unexpected bonus to this. Thank you so much for making me think about these questions.

Mimi