Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[ClingingToHope]

Last night I did feel like I'd rather have anybody than be alone. Tough night. The funny thing was when I was out with my friend Church_31 (now 32) showed up with a friend.

We talked for a few minutes and she went off somewhere else. I thought about her this morning. I really, really fell for Church_31 over the summer and, even though I wasn't sure she felt the same way, I made my feelings known ... and it didn't work out.

If it had worked out I wouldn't be having this kind of morning. I was really into her and I wouldn't have cared what happened with XW.

If I look at my adult life, I was in college 3 1/2 years before I found a significant other. After college it was a full year on my own before I found someone. When that didn't work out I ran into XW about six months later.

So I know in my head it takes time. I remember feeling really down then too.

In those cases though, when it was over, it was over. I never ran into them anywhere. Now it's different? It's like having to sit in class with the high school sweetheart who broke up with you.

Right now I'm counting miseries instead of my blessings.

Barb, I understand your point about the bankruptcy. It's something I wrestled with for 18 months. I actually have four jobs and donate plasma regularly for more money. But to get a lower child support payment I took on all of the credit card debt. My first few months out of the house I added to it getting set up and just getting out.

Then I spent a year living as frugally as possible, not taking the girls anywhere, and I was still only able to chip away $1,500 of the principal.

So I did the math. At that rate, I wasn't going to be out of debt for at least seven years. My oldest daughter would be 18 by that time and I would have put no more into her college fund.

You only enjoy your kids childhood once and I finally decided bankruptcy is the route to go. I could wipe out all my debts -- my car, my legal bills. I'm not. I'm just wiping out the credit cards I inherited in the divorce.

At that point, I'll be able to refinance my car loan and the some of my legal bills through my 401(k). That'll wipe out more payments.

I will finally be to the point that my regular job almost covers my monthly expenses and all of these side jobs can go to college funds and travel.

I don't spend money willy nilly. I have a piece of paper on my fridge where I track my income and expenses of every two weeks, my assets and debts monthly, my current balances and my lowest monthly balance.

It's beyond OCD, but I stare at it every day when I'm getting something to eat. This bankruptcy is going to be a major embarrassment and humbling. Six years ago I thought I had all the answers. In the past three I'll have gotten divorced and gone bankrupt -- and someday down the line XW still is likely to lose the house to foreclosure and I'm on that loan too.

So that's kind of the trifecta of adult failure. If God tears people down to build them back up, I've been knocked to the floor in lots of different ways.

BUT if I count my blessings it is the girls. I am friends with a business man in town who is going through a very expensive divorce. He has a temper and he's allowed his XW to use it against him to the point he hasn't seen his 9-year-old daughter and 12-year-old son since January. His 16-year-old is above the manipulation and is going to court to get more time with his father.

But losing your kids, he says, is even worse than losing a wife and I can see that.

In the end, it's their opinion that matters most. When I'm all gone, I want them to remember that I was someone who didn't quit, who kept going and who was always there when they needed them. And the fun. I want them to remember the fun we had and not the sadness.

So that keeps me going. As Andy Stanley says, your path leads to your destination. If you get in the car and drive north, you'll never reach Florida. I feel off the path yesterday. I have to get back on it today.