Just found out my husband was still having his affair today. He was suppose to end it 5 months ago and he did not. I ended up slapping him in the face and telling him to leave. We have been in theapy and he has been lying in our sessions about how great everything is. He has also been drinking every night cause he is not happy here with me and the boys, he would rather be with her. Any support you can throw my way would be great. I am really needing to hear what I should do now and how to move on with my boys. I am so sad!!
Just found out my husband was still having his affair today. He was suppose to end it 5 months ago and he did not. Wow...OUCH!!! (SIGH)...that's a lot to take in.
HOW DO YOU KNOW it's still going on? What did HE SAY?
I ended up slapping him in the face and telling him to leave. We have been in theapy and he has been lying in our sessions about how great everything is.
Just to play devil's advocate, isn't it possible he was conflicted in the therapy sessions? He obviously feared telling you the truth...
and btw, what is HE SAYING HE wants to do now? He has also been drinking every night cause he is not happy here with me and the boys, he would rather be with her. did he SAY this^^^? Do you see him drinking?
Any support you can throw my way would be great. I am really needing to hear what I should do now and how to move on with my boys. I am so sad!!
What do you think your options are?
At one point in time, you were willing to try and move past the affair, correct?
How was the forgiveness part of that going, before you learned of the affair continuing? Did you feel YOU were making progress?
Did HE feel you were moving forward with forgiving him?
I only ask b/c sometimes the "cheater" feels stuck in a m in which the prior affair will always be held over their heads like the sword of Damacles.
And in truth, sure, sometimes the LBSers are punitive...but other times, there's not a lot the LBSer can do about THE Cheater's guilt.
except not morph it into shame I guess, b/c I have never seen shame help restore a marriage. But this is not about blaming you, I'm just looking for answers.
How do things stand between you two now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes he did say he was still having the affair, and he just does not know what he wants. We have not talked since he left so I do not know what he wants to do now.
I still want to move past the affair. I felt I had moved past the first one and stopped checking up on him, but then I started to feel him pull away again and started snooping.
As of right now I have no idea what is going to happen. I think we neeed a seperation so that he can really see if the grass is greener.
I am working on staying dark now. He does not even want to speak with me. He call the kids and hangs up right away. They are now asking why daddy does not want to talk to me.
Well I found out that there was another affair back in 08-09. So pissed!
I am pretty sure that he has moved in with the girlfriend. We have not spoken at all. I have talked to his mother and husband told her that he wants a divorce. He said that he is just not happy and does not see himself happy with me.
Now with the other affair I am questioning if i want him back at all.
Wish there was more support here. Please post any advice.
I understand how difficult it is to have to deal with one affair, nevermind mulitple.
It is doable though.
If it is what you want.
At this point, I suggest that you really try to stop worrying about him and what he wants and try to figure out what YOU want.
There is no point in trying to salvage something if you don't want to.
Make no decisions out of anger or frustration, those are usually the ones you regret.
Questions to consider...
Can you forgive him?
I mean really forgive him, no snooping, no bringing it up in the future...
What do you want out of a R/M?
Additionally, what were his complaints during the M? Why wasn't he happy? Are these things that you can change or want to change?
I won't ask about trust because to be completly honest, while eventually you have to take a leap of faith with trust, right now, your trust is broken and it isn't something that you just decide to have again. It takes time and healing to get to that point.
Keep posting, people are here...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
25 just posted this on another thread, its a great read for you- and me!
"This was originally posted by Peanut. ============ II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.
We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back." It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
obb, I am SO sorry about the recent developments. I think you're at a point where you should plot your course carefully. Don't do anything rash. I think staying dark's a good idea. Especially if you can accompany it with detachment. Also, don't put all the blame on yourself, though I know that's not the easiest thing to do.
I think it's pretty normal to question whether you want him back at this point. Frankly, I'm not sure I blame you.
I'll pray for your strength and wisdom through this. I'll pray for your boys as well.
