Thanks Mach1 - here I am.....not sure you guys will want to read this. Maybe even a mod will delete because this is as far from divorce busting as you can get. I am totally depressed today. Borderline suicidal. I can't stop crying. I have my boys this weekend and they are looking at me like I have two heads. I really want to die. If it wasn't for them I don't know what I would do. I could never do that to them. I'm doing better on my meds for bipolar. The drinking has tapered off. I have been exercising. Hurt my back last week and can barely get off the couch. Maybe that has something to do with the depression and my recent behavior.
I warn you. This is not pretty.....
Well I didn't have the strength to stop spying on her. I found out she joined eHarmony and is in contact with an ex. The guy before me. Weight lifter, perfect body / no brain type guy. Not that weight lifters have no brain but this guy is....well....he is model quality but I'm not sure he knows how to read.
Over the last few weeks I tried to push her from my mind. I threw out and deleted from my computer every scrap of her existence. Everything and anything that reminded me of her. Then I broke down and sent her an email this past Wednesday. I told her I loved her and missed her. She wrote me back and told me she stills loves me. Obviously a lot more was said by both of us.
Thursday evening she called me. We talked for about and hour and a half. She invited me over and we made love and fell asleep in each others arms. She told me she loved me and missed me. That I made her feel pure and innocent.
The next day we met for lunch. Had a great lunch. We made plans to go away to a B&B next weekend and she was genuinely excited. When leaving the restaurant I went to take her hand. She pulled away and I said, "You don't want to hold my hand?" She said, "That would feel to much like we are boyfriend and girlfriend." Like a dope I said, "Arn't we?" She said no. Just because we are going away together that doesn't mean we're boyfriend and girlfriend. People that are just dating go away together. She said that this is what she was afraid of. Just because we were engaged and lived together for a while she was afraid I would want to level right back up to it.
I explained that I am not good with open relationships and she knows that. She assured me she isn't planning on dating anyone else but I was hurt. Felt like crying. She thought I was mad and the ride back to her office was quiet. She told me she would call me later but she didn't.
Woke up in the middle of the night. Snooped around her accounts. Found out she is planning a tryst with the weight lifter tonight. Like I said I couldn't stop spying. So she lied to me yesterday. I lost it. I sent her a message letting her know exactly what I know. How I know about eHarmony. I know about her driving two hours for sex tonight. (She is on the road right now)
She wrote back that she is scared of me. That I am obsessed and that isn't good for my health. Never contact her again. And if I continue spying on her she will press charges.
I wrote her back. Told her she is a liar. Told her to practice safe sex tonight and stop lying to her friends. I told her she is a user and accused her of bleeding me dry financially, emotionally and mentally. Told her she is the meanest person I know and I'll never contact her again.
Here I am. Knowing she is on her way North to get drunk and laid. I messed up my life so bad I don't know if I'll ever find solid ground again. Wondering if I should look for guidance in "Surviving the Big D" or move away from the site already. The reason I am here is because you guys helped me through a terrible divorce six years ago and I didn't know where else to go.
