Tad's Overdue Update

[AJM]

No Tad. You didn't lose her. She left. That's very different.

What I was getting at is that you should only have to apologize for the things you did wrong. Not the things you did right.

By wrong, I mean the things YOU think are wrong in the way you treated a partner. The thing about a partnership is that it's a two-way street. It's not just about you. Remember you were married for 26 years - you did a lot of things right in your relationship. You did somethings you may want to change, but those are things that are said and done. Change them going forward, not looking back.

Your choices are and were your choices and you should evaluate if you did them to the best of your ability with the information you had at the time. If so, then you can make adjustments in the future, but you cannot change them nor should you if you ask me.

She made her choices. She has to do the same things, like it or not.

I don't think it's weird you want to tell her how you feel. I think that's perfectly normal, really.

Tad, you were told this was forever. She broke that promise. She accused you of everything she could think of to help HER. That's not a partnership. That's not working together. That's self-centered (for whatever reason).

She didn't have to leave Tad. She CHOSE to.

She didn't have to blame you. She CHOSE to.

That's not a healthy relationship any longer. You do need to respect her choice but not her opinion nor reason.

You do NOT need to accept her behavior towards you, nor should you. That's not healthy and you can see how it is affecting you.

I find that normal Tad. You were together for a long time and you trusted her and her opinions.

Don't get too stuck on what you could have done differently. There likely isn't much you could have done differetly and still have been you.

I don't think it's reasonable to think you'll stop loving her any time soon. I think it's more reasonable that you'll detach and work on you and the kids. I think it's more reasonable that you'll still care about her for a long time. I think it's more reasonable that you'll accept that you care for her but that it's not good for you to want a relationship with her.

You can care from a distance. You need to care from a distance because she will try to hurt you if given the choice. Even if she feels bad about it later, she'll try most likely.

I think it's reasonable to think she is not happy about her choices Tad. So I also think it's reasonable she wants you to be the one that is at fault so she doesn't have to look at people and feel guilty. That's a powerful emotion that some people try to use anger to combat.

She likely knows she treated you poorly. I'm guessing that doesn't help with self-esteem. I'm guessing her pain is just as great as yours even is she won't show it. If not more.

But all of that is out of your control. What you can control is you, and one of the things you need to do is face your fears. You have done a great job facing them so far. Fear of her leaving for example. It takes more than time, it also takes effort. And time for that effort to bear fruit.

From time to time the feelings creep in and memories play on you. That's ok. Part of that, I think, is to remind you that you have more to do.

You may never understand "why" but you do know "what". Work with the "what" Tad. Work on you and start facing the music. Don't let it linger because it will just be there later no matter how many years go by.

Be good to you Tad. Give yourself a break and realize there will be times for quite some time to come. But realize it will be longer if you don't get started facing and dealing with those things that need dealing.

One at a time, Tad. One at a time.

Peace,

AJ