Forgiveness

[25yearsmlc]

And seriously - when I said that your words and actions don't match - I am talking about telling your wife you wish her love again. Then agonize over the new guy and how he is sleeping over etc. That makes the words seem insincere. I can honestly say that I'm not wishing my ex and maggot "love". I just don't care any more but I won't go that far.

I meant what I said about that Barb. It hurts, but I still meant what I said. It bothers me that he's sleeping over WHEN MY KIDS ARE THERE. That does not make my words insincere.

I appreciate ALL of your advice and feedback, as well as that from all the others who contribute...Sun, fig, 2tp, Kaffe, Gineen, 25...and everybody else. Even if I don't heed it, I still ponder it and appreciate it. It is helpful.

no matter what you say, or IF you do something

I urge you to say NOTHING about Steve or him being there. It REEKS of jealousy and if you dig deep you ought to be able to see that.


All that is relevant is the FACT that their schools have sent you reports.

You can mention your belief they are not supervised enough,

which leaves the option of increasing supervision, to your wife. (It'll look better than demanding their return.)
Also please do not mention money or support payments b/c

the first attack you will get is "Antlers is mean and controlling and vindictive AND just wants money"...

Let it roll off. It should roll off b/c it's not true.

Folks, the thing about him just "taking legal action" for Antlers is that the family court WILL ask the kids (14 and over)

where THEY WANT to live.

True, If the non-custodial parent offers evidence that they were doing better with him than they are now or that their education/safety is threatened, that will help.

But it's not a slam dunk...hate to harp on this but the kids have bad memories of their time with Antlers too...

so in their young minds, perhaps, little supervision by mom, is better than feeling criticized/berated by the increased "supervision" Antlers offers them. Goes both ways.

I KNOW you say you are different now Antlers...I get that.

But so far, I don't believe your family is convinced of that.

Yes you ought to pursue something to help the kids out, no matter what else happens

(but leave the w and her bf out of it.

It's not necessary. Her parenting style, or lack thereof, is NOT necessary to point out. Of course a judge will ask "where's mom?" and you need say nothing there). If the kids lie, the judge will see the school reports

(but ask yourself the tough question...why do the kids want to be there so much that they'd have a "virtual' mom, rather than you.

Be ready for the blast back at you. Be ready cope with a blitz about the past and you can say things like

"As I've admitted before, I failed you in many ways in the past,

BUT I've worked hard to change, and at this point in time, your beliefs about me are outdated".

Stay on message. Don't get sucked in. Do not defend specifics from the past. No score cards. NO mention of "w did this/that to ME too!!" NONE of that.

And Antlers, you don't have to say my words. Ask around. Say what feels most authentic to you

but keep it SHORT....and don't go overboard with your well wishes. They sound like posturing to me. Even if sincere.

As fig and other say, You are not trying to win the kid's friendship. You are trying to be a father, and a father recognizes that appropriate discipline

is a form of LOVE.

Nothing warm and fuzzy will happen soon. Maybe your fear is that you'll lose the bond you have with your d. You might.

You can show respect for them (also key) by asking her what SHE thinks. Is SHE concerned about her brother?

Does SHE think the c is a bad idea for him and if so, WHY? Have you ever asked them why they so object to him getting c?

She might believe it's rehashing the past and that is a legit concern. Might even have hurt YOUR R with him more than you know b/c he's reliving the bad stuff. )

Just some ideas to ponder.

Good luck