11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do?

[25yearsmlc]

Ok, I'm officially mortified by having to go to trial. WW25D?

25 wouldn't worry about it. She'd say a lot can happen between now and May 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. Settlements happen in the Courthouse all the time.

Yes indeed. Settlements often happen the DAY of the "trial". And the trial is not going to be in front of a jury if your h has trouble keeping his temper. IF it does somehow get a jury, be GLAD b/c when he loses it, it helps you.

IF you are in a community property state this is straight forward and the judge will chastize the lawyers for not settling it. If he can tell who is stalling or who is making unreasonable demands, he'll blast them and send you out of the room to see "if you can work it out" without a trial.

Worst case--you go to trial...so what? Why all the self inflicted freaking? Stop it. What exactly are you so afraid of? Doesn't make sense to me. Sorry.

But you need to get a grip. And remember that even if your L is out for a month (??? for medical reasons???) there are others at his firm who can go to bat for you. You do not have to "wait" and not even call.

Ask his office if there are protective steps that must be completed before the L's return. If they say "no, it's fine", then accept that and let go of what you cannot control.

Letting go of what you cannot control, turning it over to God, are two things you CAN do that are keys to your peace of mind.


How does this work? Do we get to do all our questioning of him first, since we filed first? (That could work to our advantage, as he cannot control himself on the stand. He is so angry - it scares me - even in the Court. I am sure the anger is all about the money and splitting asset).

Of course. What else would it be? He'd approach you if he wanted to reconcile and yes, he can say AND MEAN IT when he says he'll "always love you" but not want to be married to you.

If my h died or left me, I'd always love a part of him. Eventually I'd also move on and be happy again, b/c that is solely my responsibility, and I have children to model this for.

IOW, yes you can grieve and feel sad, like I did when my dad died. But my grief was Not fatal or eternal. I hope that is what I showed them.
I hope you realize it too.

The property dispute is probably why this has taken so long. It's common. Ask your L or his firm how this works. I don't know your state, and I'm not a divorce attorney.

WHY are you scared of him? If you fear physical abuse, file a restraining order. If you are afraid of "making him mad" b/c....you think that hurts thte chance of a reconciliation, let that go.

DO some cognitive therapy yourself to get you to realize when your fears are not realistic or proportional, then get a grip!

YOU are in charge of YOU - not your h or the judge or the weather or the PAST or a car in the driveway supposedly watching you. BTW I don't know that I buy all that surveillance stuff, or its' significance, but even if I did, have you considered it might be related to a workers comp or disability claim investigation

OR someone hired for purposes of the possible divorce litigation? That is not rare. You could hire a private eye to document adultery or a forensic accountant to see if he is hiding assets. (I am not suggesting it, just listing other things that people do)

Although None of these are positives or baby steps to me, they are also not reasons for constant worry.

I would vigorously assist your L, stop letting paperwork that is normal and inconvenient to everyone overwhelm you. You have an assistant and btw, we're getting audited and my husband is getting deployed to the middle east (and no, we didn't see that coming). So Yes sometimes life throws a lot at you and it sukks...we hired a CPA for the audit, b/c it's such a hassle. But I'm not 'freaking" and YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FREAK OUT.

You have no control over his anger and that is his job to control. Stay in your sandbox working on YOUR Issues and let him stay in his sandbox working on is. Let your L do ALL contacting and do NOT call or VM your h again.

If he keeps those ranting messages you send, they do not help you. Let HIM be the one to lose his temper, not you. Plus, if he loses his temper in court it only helps you.





Or is it a take turns kind of thing in the Court? My attorney is gone for this month. Oh dear. I'm paralyzed. I secretly hoped it would just stay in limbo.


why? B/C life is just so great this way? It's not great.

You have to plow or swim through this, to get to the other side. But you do have to move...Don't keep looking over your shoulder, just move forward and get to the other side. IT's much nicer over there.

And your h has arms and fingers and knows how phones and email works. HE can contact you if and when he wants to. No mind reading needed til if and when that happens.

Here is a true story that changed my life a little bit, forever. See if you can relate and maybe read it again later if you feel too distracted.

When I was pregnant with our 2nd child, I worked full time. I then got very sick late in the pregnancy and I was hospitalized. I felt like crap in a whole new way.

I had herniated a disk, which hurt A LOT, then a cold I had suddenly morphed into pneumonia and then I got eclamptic (pregnancy induced high blood pressure, among other things-high risk of stroke and organ damage). THEN I went into renal failure...I was miserable and terrified.

My back hurt, I felt so miserable, I was huge and sort of unkempt, and I felt pretty sorry for myself.

But the medical care kicked in, and though I still felt like crap, the baby seemed fine and I was 8 months along so if need be, she could be delivered safely. I felt less afraid, but still felt melancholy.

Out the windwo, I saw a full moon outside. At that moment, I realized probably millions of pregnant women around the world saw that same moon. I wondered what their lives were like. Were they in their homes, or rice fields...

Unlike most of them,

I was getting good medical care. I had a husband and I knew where he was and that no one had killed or robbed him.

NO one was abducting my son for their tribal army. No one would steal my daughter to make her into a sex slave.

I had food in my refrigerator at home (I had a refrigerator! I had a home!).

There'd be food in the frig the next day too. My home was a safe shelter and we both even jobs we enjoyed.

Our son was healthy and our daughter would likely be too, and she'd be born in a hospital. (Not a dirt floor with a branch in my mouth for "pain relief"). Actual physicians would be there delivering my child, not a neighbor who once gave birth, nor would I deliver my child alone.

No one was telling me how to worship God, or IF I could. No one was hacking my family to death b/c of our religion, or race. I could vote and drive a car and have a job. No one was shooting at me, or hunting me, or raping me or maiming me or my family...

and you know what? That made me better off than 95% of the women in the world, (if not more).

So Keep your perspective.

You are stronger than you think and you CAN make yourself stronger. Don't see yourself as a "victim of life" or your h, b/c you are not.

If he's a jerk, then that's that. You will be better off without him. IF he's not a jerk and if he acts loving, then you will KNOW it and the endless guessing and mind reading will reveal itself to be a waste of your precious time.

You are well educated, & looking good. Whatever health problems you have are being treated. You are not about to live on the streets,

only to die in the gutter where dogs begin chewing on you (that'a s line from the book/film "Bridget Jones Diary").

You will continue to have shelter, income, and food and medical care!

Turn your marriage over to God and by that, I mean, think it, say it, hear yourself say it, and it will sink in...and then, do not take it back.

I had to do it 100 times a day on rough days, usually in the shower so the kids didn't hear.

And learn to Be more grateful. It really helps a lot.