Husband left me...feel hopeless

[Accuray]

Stephanie111,

Thanks for the additional details, it helps so much to understand more of your sitch. You may feel like you're writing a lot, but the situations are so complicated, the more you can write the better!

These things were all GREAT and I appreciated and loved all of them, but I just had this feeling that he still wasn't convinced of his life with me.

I assume he picked up on that. Do you think he felt like he made the best effort he could make and it still wasn't good enough for you?

I also think he ran scared because I told him on New Year's Day that I wasn't happy with my progress in trusting him again and he cried and has been pulling away from me since!!!

So the tricky thing here Stephanie is that these things are so complicated, there are so many factors at play. The danger is that we may find something that looks like it explains what has happened perfectly, but it may not really explain it at all.

That said, the simple explanation would be that H dedicated himself to you and your relationship and felt he was giving it all he had. Despite that, it wasn't good enough for you, you still didn't trust him, and you told him that.

The simple explanation would be that he decided to give up instead of facing continued rejection, and is "convincing himself" that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore to free him from not feeling good enough.

This is not to say that "it's all your fault" or anything you did is wrong. It's just trying to make sense of what happened so we can understand maybe some of what's driving H to act the way he's acting.

What do you think about that? Do you think H "gave up" because he felt his best effort wasn't good enough, that he put himself out there and his level of intimacy wasn't reciprocated?

A few things to be aware of. I read a great book called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". In that book, it talks about just how important it is for a man to feel like a good provider. It's an evolutionary, animalistic sort of need. If he feels like he's not being a good provider, because you complain about what he's bringing to the table, then he's going to feel badly about himself. That feeling inadequate will really do a job on him over time and he'll seek to escape that feeling however he can, thrill seeking, etc. It leads to a feeling of being trapped, and he may have needed to escape.

He may fear, now, that he will always feel inadequate with you, and that's what he's running from.

I could be WAY off here, the important thing is what you think about all this. Please share.

Accuray