Here are some of the highlights: Cheryl thinks my H is reaching out. She told me to remember what it felt like to be his girlfriend and be that person. Act like his girlfriend and make him happy when he’s with me. Let him see the new Ro is going to stick around. She said he will probably get nervous about us getting close again.
Watch my tone and be kind. Words are cheap – actions speak louder than words. Say Thank You.
As far him moving out, she doesn’t think he wants to move out so she suggested I create a combined “honey do” list of things that need to be done at the house. So he’s invested. She is fully convinced he doesn’t want to leave and I need to make him not want to. She said to do anything where we are a team, and where we both make a decision.
She told me to make sure we sit in the same space. Basically to get off the loveseat and sit next to him.
She told me to do what it was that I did that worked before. That he’s already started the ball rolling, and I need to pick it up. She said if (basically when) he asks why I’m sitting next to him or touching him say because I LIKE HIM; don’t say I love him.
She said I should ask him for what I want, instead of pointing out he did something wrong (i.e., not taking out the trash). The fewer words the better. Be succinct, brief, and specific. Show gratitude.
Anticipate that things will be going really, really well, and then he’s go see OW. OW will start to feel alone and will pressure him, and he will pull away from me. She told me to remember this conversation, and just kiss him goodbye when he leaves. (This is going to be a hard one!) She said OW is like a mosquito in my ear, and you know what you do to mosquitoes. She said giving her the time of day is like inviting her to dinner at my house.
She said H will not believe the changes. She told me when he mentions it to say all I can do is take it one day at a time. Make no big promises. Explain that I will have bad days.
She also suggested I read the following books, which are talked about on the forum all the time:
-How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It -Five Love Languages -Love & Respect
I have the last two. I will be downloading the 1st one on the list tonight.
Still thinking about my coaching session today. Not sure how to even begin implementing some of this stuff. I know some of these things are in the pursuing category. I've been so busy NOT pursuing that it feels weird.
Any other feedback?
I also found out that my H had a mild fender bender about 3 weeks ago. He got rear ended but there was no damage to either car. I asked him why he was just saying something now. Talking about he was so mad about it, he thinks he just blocked it out. Kinda hurt my feelings but I let it go and moved on. I have to remember that he doesn't see me as his friend right now.
First observation is that if your H's LL is physical touch and he has not been getting it, then that is a huge problem. MY LL is physical touch followed very closely by words of affirmation.
My W NEVER initiates a kiss on the lips, like when I would get home from work. She Never would come up from behind and give me a hug. She would never hold my hand if we were walking down the street. All of these things I would have to initiate.
And this is how I feel loved but don't because it is missing in my life. Can you imagine why our M is on the skids?
So, my best advice is to confirm this is in fact your H's LL and if so, then look for ways to fill that void... start slow.. maybe a reassuring hand on his shoulder when he is doing something helpful. Then progress from there.
Asking for what you want is so critical. If you read my post from last week I think, where I had that conversation with my W about being clear in what she wants so that I don't go into fixit/control mode, then you know how important that is.
The shaming part is also very important. Get that book - How to Improve your M Without Talking About It. It touches a lot on shame and fear. Men feel shame, Women feel fear and how destructive it is to relationships.
I think I told you the other day that he is reaching out. His crying episode is also evidence of his emotional conflict, his conscience if you will.
You two have lots to work on but from my perspective there is tremendous hope. You just need to pick up the ball like the DB coach has said and run with it.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Hey RoRo, haven't posted on your thread yet but following along and keeping you in my thoughts & prayers.
Kinda hurt my feelings but I let it go and moved on. I have to remember that he doesn't see me as his friend right now.
I can relate to this. W use to tell me EVERYTHING, even to the point of explaining how she came to have a specific thought. It was always kind of amusing actually. Not having those connections anymore is painful. But we have to believe it can be restored and made even better.
Good luck with implementing the coaching advice!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Had a major meltdown this morning in front if H because vertigo reared its ugly head again. I was not feeling well and just tired of feeling sick. I don't do well with illness and not being able to do stuff on my own. And my dr appt tomorrow has me a little freaked out. Like seriously what else is wrong? H let me cry and held me. Told me I needed to get it out. (He came to me, I didn't go to him) I've missed that. When he got ready to leave, he hugged me tightly and didn't really let go. And then laid a lip lock on me that made my knees weak (and no, that wasn't the vertigo LOL). He came back and kissed me goodbye two more times.
I sent him a thank you text this morning...at the end of his response back, he says "I love you! I really do!". I almost lost it again. But then I thought, why won't he act right then? LOL
Nothing else new. H and I did exchange a emails today. Just jokes and him checking to make sure I was okay.
Been thinking about how to implement some of Cheryl's suggestions. I think going SLOWLY is the key. I'll have some time to think about it on my drive to NC this weekend and come up with some plans.
So...I'm not dying. But I do have extremely high cholestorol and extremely low Vitamin D levels. *sigh* Oh, and my CAT scan was normal! I also got new direction on my vertigo meds, which is going to make my life suck even more over the weekend: I'm to take the meds when I feel dizzy, and not wait until I get home, even if they make me sleepy. So my dr told me to try it over the weekend, and if the meds aren't working, then I'm headed to the neurologist. Feeling worse today than yesterday, and didn't take any meds before I left home, so we'll see how today goes. It's all actually pretty good news considering it could have been MUCH worse.
I called H to tell him (per his request), but accidentally called his cell phone instead of his work number. Then I called the work number when I realized that, but he didn't answer. So I said to myself, he'll see that I called and call me back, and let it go. Sure enough, about 5 mins later, he calls. Made a point to tell me that he dropped EVERYTHING when he saw that I had called. Gave him the details, we chatted for a little while longer. He wanted to know when I was leaving for NC. Told him I didn't know. Depended on how I felt later on. Said to make sure I call him and let him know if I was leaving after work. (And I'm the controlling one? HMPH)
Last night, I was supposed to work late, but didn't feel well, so I ended up just heading home. I got there and H met me on the stairs, surprised to see me home. Told him I wasn't feeling well, and just wanted to rest. He asked about dinner. I told him I figured he'd already eaten. He hadn't. He was waiting on me to get home, so he could "treat" me to dinner.
Also, H was reading a book, 'The Bed of Procrustes', which is a book of aphorisms. I asked him what he was reading and he started reading them aloud to me. He has not done this in a LONG time. Mostly because he knows I don't like people reading to me. And I wasn't exactly acting interested when he tried to read me stuff he had written before. I regret that now, but that's our history.
I don't know about him, but I had fun last night. We laughed so much last night. About random stupid stuff. Felt good to laugh for real again.
I am still thinking about what my DB coach said and how it's different from some of the things people say on this forum. I know everyone can't afford coaching sessions, and use the forum as somewhat of a replacement. I just wish some of the coaches or someone heavily involved in DB would post here more often. Not that I don't love the feedback I've been given. It's just nice to have a different perspective sometimes.
I agree that you need to use LRT, at this point if you are providing for any needs while she is with the OM then she is cake eating, that must stop.
OM = NM (No marriage)
For Cadet...whenever he swings by...
Okay, so I have to ask. Do you also tell women OW=NM? My H is having an A. If I saw this on my thread, I'd feel kinda hopeless. My coach gave me different advice (basically carry on with my life), so I'm just asking your opinion.
Number one it is never hopeless until YOU decide that it is.
There can always be HOPE just without EXPECTATIONS.
Your DB coach is correct to just carry on with YOUR life.
RO you are still very early in this. You are seeing lots of back and forth. That is typical for the time FRAME that you are in.
But I must say that for everyone here on this board, when you get the BOMB your marriage is over, you must be able to pick yourself up dust your self off and HOPE that you can get yourself to a place that can build a new marriage.
Their are no shortcuts, easy button, pills or magic wands that are going to get you there.
Number one it is never hopeless until YOU decide that it is.
There can always be HOPE just without EXPECTATIONS.
Your DB coach is correct to just carry on with YOUR life.
RO you are still very early in this. You are seeing lots of back and forth. That is typical for the time FRAME that you are in.
But I must say that for everyone here on this board, when you get the BOMB your marriage is over, you must be able to pick yourself up dust your self off and HOPE that you can get yourself to a place that can build a new marriage.
Their are no shortcuts, easy button, pills or magic wands that are going to get you there.
It is all on you, YOU get to decide it all.
That is MHO.
I agree 100% with everything you said.
That OM=NM thing caught me off guard I guess. Wasn't sure whether you meant if there's OM/OW in the picture that pretty much equals NM or not.
