My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

[timbits]

Well, I feel like I've been on a roller coaster the last few months. I knew something was wrong about 6 months ago. H became friends with OW professionally (they are both writers) and they were spending a lot of time together. I was uncomfortable with this, but figured that I could trust H.

The in October, I woke up and got ready to go to work. I left my own laptop upstairs in the bedroom and decided to check my email on his laptop, which was downstairs where I was. Honestly, I wasn't snooping. I went to gmail and his account was there and an email from her was opened. In it, they were discussing a past relationship that he had with another woman. We have been together since I've been 16. We broke up for about 3 weeks at one point and apparently he dated another woman once. I knew he wrote a short story about having to say goodbye to another woman who was moving away, but he said it wasn't inspired about anything in particular. I believed him. In this email with OW, she was saying how sad she was for him (roll eyes here...) that he missed out on his one true love. At this point, I lost it. I went upstairs and got really upset with him. This is not something that is appropriate to discuss with another woman, especially when you haven't even discussed it with your own W. He agreed, apologized and said that it was all a misunderstanding.


We did have a bit of an issue when I insisted that I meet OW before he spends time with her (they were mostly emailing only at this point). It ended up being a big argument because he felt I didn't trust him, blah blah blah. But, bottom line was that he agreed to allow me to meet her.

I ended up meeting her in November briefly. We both attended the Christmas Parade in our city and she was there with her husband and kids. She seemed nice. We only spoke for a few minutes.

Things started to get worse. H was pulling away from me. Every night he would email her for hours, with his headphones on. He wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't touch me. Another bit of backstory, I have problems with being intimate. I was molested growing up and, while I'm much better than I was after a few years of IC, I still have issues with it. I know this is hard for H, but he never initiated it. I work a lot of hours, travelling a bit and am exhausted when I get home. H is out of work, has been for 4 years, and I resent it a little.

He wouldn't even touch me when we got into bed. I felt like he was disgusted by me. H started working out and changed his diet in September of last year. He's lost over 100 pounds and looks really good. Well, I tend to eat more when stressed and have gained weight. I also have health issues. One of my lasting issues from the abuse I suffered was that I don't take care of myself.

Basically, he started to have panic attacks. He does have anxiety, but never really had problems with panic attacks. I couldn't figure it out. I was travelling, about 4 hours away from home. He decided to drive out to meet me. I knew something was really wrong at this point. He's never joined me before, had no interest in coming. I knew something was wrong.

He dropped a bombshell on me. OW's H found an email he wrote and she cut off contact with H. I was like, "What else happened?" He promised me that nothing else happened. He swore nothing else happened. He said that he was worried that he ruined OW's marriage (nevermind about ours) and that she and her 3 kids would be on the street. I got him to calm down (screwed up, but whatever), told him that she had to fix her own M and we had to fix ours. I told him I knew he was having an EA and that I felt like he was getting ready to leave me for about 6 months at this point. He was shocked, said he'd never leave me and that his EA was over with her.

I believed him. He was still having panic attacks. I got the feeling he was more upset about losing his little girlfriend than he was with almost destroying his marriage. I told him I wanted to go to MC. He agreed and I made an appointment through my Employee Assistance Program. While waiting for the appointment, we ended up going out to a movie with friends, like we always do on Thursday evenings (the local university rents out a theater and plays art/foreign films that we wouldn't normally get). We met up with a mutual friend and watched the movie. We had taken seperate vehicles as I was commuting about 45 minutes away (this is my last trip as I've been promoted) for 2 weeks and we met there. After the movie, we drove friend home in my vehicle and then parked in the lot next to the other vehicle. I said I didn't understand what was going on, why he was so panicky? He finally admitted to me that he and OW had still been emailling each other and that they both decided that after everything cooled down, they would just be friends. How touching.

I lost it at this point and kicked him out for the evening. I just couldn't believe he'd do this. I didn't have anyone to discuss this with, so I broke down and called my sister and told her what was going on. I didn't want to tell any of my family, but I trust my S to keep it private. She went through a similar situation with her H (he had an EA with a coworker) and she talked me through it.

I felt awful. I couldn't sleep. I was crying so hard that I looked AWFUL when I went to work the next day. I called H and told him to come home. I had actually planned on emailling the OW and telling her I knew about it. H gave her the phone number to my parents' home (we were housesitting at the time) and I didn't want her to call there again. We ended up having our MC session, I told him I didn't want him to talk to her again EVER and he agreed. The first MC session went well. We acknowledged that I had a right to be angry and discussed our intentions. He admitted that he was "confused" about what he felt with her and that something more than friendship developed between them.

Then, three days later, I was in bed at my parents' home, still house/cat sitting, when the phone rings at 10pm. This woke me up as it was late and I grabbed the phone and saw her number on the caller ID. I picked up, H said he had it. I hung up, flew out of bed and went into the livingroom where H was telling her "ok, ok, fine" and he hung up. Again, I lost it. I told him that I didn't want her calling again. I told him that I wanted to put a block on our emails so that hers went into the trash without being read. I grabbed his laptop and was about to add the filter when a voice in the back of my head told me to check the trash.

There was another email going back and forth between them. She told him that she missed him, that they would still be friends and writing partners and then he wrote back he was happy about it. Then she wrote back saying she never wanted to speak to him again, never contact her, he was evil (?? really? she participated in the EA, too) and that she had to fix her own marriage. Again, I lost it. I told him that he betrayed me. That I couldn't trust him at all. That I didn't know if I wanted to remain married to someone I couldn't trust. He slept on the couch that night. I ended up writing a calm but firm email to OW that she is NEVER to call that number again, it was disrespectful to me, and that if she really wanted to fix her marriage, as well as not destroy mine, then to never contact either of us again. I decided to not send it that night. The MC advised that it was my choice if I wanted to send an email and that if I did, to write it one day, but wait until I cooled off to see if I still wanted to send it.

This is loooonnnng, and I'm exhausted. I'll have to write the rest in another post.
Thank you for reading so far (that is if you are still reading....)