Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[AlwaysTrying]

W called to be emotionally supportive, I think, after my conversation with D15 about what happened with my old friend, DeadToMe. I can't remember the last time she has done anything emotionally supportive. I didn't expect it and I wasn't quite sure what to do.

It got strained, though. I'm saying, "I never would have sent her over there if I thought he was capable of this." She said we should have known better.

About 13-14 years ago, W, my two best friends DeadToMe and MrBeijing, and I were living in the same house. W was dating my friend who is now in Beijing who was studying Chinese in college at the time. MrBeijing was also a nice guy and there was a lot of dysfunctional going on in his relationship with W. They lasted 6 months. At the time, it seemed half of that time was waiting for it to end. I was in love with her almost immediately. Things were strained in the house.

W was kind of in love with being at the house with us even though she didn't want to be with MrBeijing at that point. It wouldn't have been appropriate for me to start dating her at that point, since we all knew I was in love with her and there had to be some sort of... I don't know... waiting period before I could try dating her without ruining my friendships.

What were we all thinking? We were kids and this was all a bad plan. W spent a couple of nights sleeping in the same bed with DeadToMe. They didn't have a love connection. In fact, DtM didn't have a strong connection with W at all, so this was somehow the most platonic option.

Well, they fooled around, so to speak, but no sex. Until one night, W fell asleep during some fooling around and woke up to DtM initiating sex with her, which she did not want. There was no birth control in use, W asked him to stop, but apparently he was not quick to comply. He did not have permission to begin intercourse. This was without consent.

W left. The following evening, DtM confessed what happened to MrB and I, with lots of sobbing and self-loathing. DtM and MrB lived together for 2 years after that and went from not talking to slowly rebuilding their friendship. I left the house. I couldn't talk to MrB because I chose W over DtM after the event. I couldn't talk to DtM because he couldn't find the inner strength and character to face W, apologize, and try to make things right. He was miserable and torturing himself emotionally, but he could have made things so much better if he would have manned up and showed W some empathy and compassion.

W got rape counseling, morning after pill, dropped out of her doctorate program, was depressed and sick for months. I tried to take care of her without stepping over boundaries. 6 months later, we were pretty sure we were dating. 5 years after that, we were getting married.

I adopted an attitude that there is a continuum of degrees of evil when it comes to rape. I believed that what DtM did was on the least evil end of that spectrum and that he was not irredeemable. I knew from experience that W will easily fall asleep at times when intercourse seems like the next logical step and it is actually hard to tell that she's fallen asleep. However, my friend had initiated unprotected sex with an unconscious woman.

I didn't talk to my former friends for about 8 years, but was unable to replace those relationships. MrB approached me, and slowly we started to talk more and more frequently. 11 years after the incident, W started to be accepting of the idea that I would have a friendship with DtM and invited him and his family over for a dinner party. It seemed like wounds were healing, and I was grateful.

W hid from me how much this upset her. I'm not even sure I believe this upset her that much until she found out about what happened between DtM and D15. I was mistaken in allowing my relationship with DtM to get closer without him really addressing what happened with W years ago. I shouldn't have gone ahead with the risk of resentment being there.

I didn't think that DtM was irredeemable. Sexually inappropriate behavior was not a pattern for him, or so I believed. W was pleased that D15 was in a safe place with DtM's family for the 3 months that D15 lived there. DtM would come over to my house after night school and play card games with W and I some times or just hang out and talk. I felt that things were normal.

But after D15 confided in W what happened with DtM, W began to feel guilty for letting D15 into that situation and that she should have known better.

Anyway, with that back-story, you can see how giving me emotional support over this situation was complicated for W.

She said, "You never really believed me, did you?". The conversation was strained. I was already confused and dazed. I don't think I handled it all the best. Eventually, she gave me a dry, resentful, "good night". I said, "good night" and hung up before she could get a chance. The temptation was there to hang on the line and struggle for the words to set things right.

I have no idea what to say to her. I'm thinking about inviting her to a counseling session to hint at that process. I can't force that conversation on her and she probably doesn't want to have it.

In the meantime, I do mean to have the conversation about pressure, space, and an appointment with a db coach tonight if she seems receptive. Any comments on that conversation are appreciated. Or comments on anything, obviously. If there is a text limit on this forum, I've probably hit it...