Just discovered affair please help

[inpain]

WOW!!!! Thank you so much for your post PunkinsMom!! All of it just resonated with me so much!

To wrap this up, I guess what I am trying to say, is once you make that decision to love him and be loved by him, it really does not matter if you know the truth. Although you don't realize it now, by making that decision, you have already "dropped the rope and let go". Accept that for whatever reason, even if it DID happen, maybe he just can't bring himself to admit the truth, and like my H, it may be all about HIM and his fears, and no reflection on you whatsoever.

This part in particular! I can see what you mean and it makes me feel calmer that that is how it happens and I suppose in a way I'm half way there as I haven't left or thrown him out and really don't want to do either of those.

Your post also scares me senseless at the same time though!! That your H continued to keep that lie for 10 years!!! Only coughing when he thought he'd given you herpes! woah! I can understand how it got to a point where you separated for a time - I feel like my brain will eat away at me until I explode like that too if I don't deal with this correctly now. One of my underlying fears to letting go of it all happens to be that if he's lying he could give me something nasty . I have said this to him so many times and he swears he won't give me anything because he hasn't done anything but I guess that's what he would say! I hope I can be as strong as you and learn to forgive without knowing the truth. It just seems so sad to have to live possibly the rest of my days always wondering - like I feel I'll be on my death bed and still wonder if he lied to me all that time.