Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12

[Denver_2010]

Hey Crimson. I haven't posted much here in the past several months due to my need to focus on my own sitch. I happened across some posts in 'Part 11' that caught my interest, so I went back and read your very first post. Admittedly though, I haven't had time to catch up on everything that has happened to you.

But I wanted to drop by and throw you some support. I am on month 16 of my own sitch, much of it similar to so many others here, including yours.

I'm sure that you've been told time and time again that you are going to have to be patient, give this time, and work on changes for yourself... and that those changes have to be real. I can't tell you how many times I was told that when I was here posting every 15 minutes. LOL

The thing that I want to tell you is that there are no words that can fully describe just how true these things are. My W left me and was DONE with our M in November of 2010. It was 3 months later, after some major DBing, and me believing that I 'got it', that my W began to open up to the idea of reconciling. That was February of 2011. Since then? Crazy, crazy, crazy stuff has happened. Things that have challenged my idea of patience, my idea of giving things time, and what I thought was me working on me. Every time that I thought that I had this DB thing down, I was shown that I was only beginning. As for the crazy stuff that has happened to me, I'm sure that my posts are still around in the archives.

This past weekend, my W and I went to a marital retreat in Colorado Springs. Her idea. While she still hasn't committed to the M, she says that she is trying, and I definitely see her efforts... 15 1/2 months later.

My point? There is hope man. There is hope, but this is going to push you to limits that you never thought yourself capable of.

If I could go back and do one thing different though, it would be to not let the situation consume me like I let it. I know that I am still guilty of doing that to a degree, and I know that it is much easier to not have it consume you when things start looking up. But during the first 9-12 months of this, I lived and breathed the problems with my M. I was miserable. If I could go back, I think that I would try a little more to relax and let things happen rather than try to do whatever sort of mind control I thought I was doing by thinking about it every waking moment.

Something I learned at this marital retreat this past weekend that I identified with completely:

There is a path to healing a marital problem or conflict.

1. there is an offense committed by one spouse

2. the other spouse is hurt deeply

3. the hurt turns into anger which leads to isolation

4. the offending spouse must take ownership of his/her offense and seek forgiveness.

5. the hurt spouse may CHOOSE to forgive

6. Finally, there MAY be a rebuilding of trust in the M.

I think that most of us find that we are on the opposite end of the anger/isolation stage when we first come here. The goal is to get our WAS to forgive us.

But that is not the hard part. The hard part is the rebuilding of trust.

Forgiveness is NOT an automatic cure for the hurt that we have caused. And it is NOT forgetting the offense that caused the hurt.

Trust is not automatically reinstated when forgiveness is sought and given. It is rebuilt ONLY through CONSISTENT behavior over TIME.

It is here that patience comes into play. We must be patient and grace our spouses with the time that they need to believe in us again. To trust us with their hearts again.

After that session of the retreat, my W pointed out that this is what I/we have been doing over the past 16 months. She pointed out that she is not there yet. But she is trying. And I am finally, FINALLY, seeing it.

Stay patient brother. And don't let anyone tell you not to stay hopeful. Hope is the fuel that will keep you going.

Denver