Specifics, please! Can't afford telephone consult!

[25yearsmlc]

I read this forum daily...and it never ceases to amaze me how the WAS are the same. I played Scrabble with S16 when he came home from dinner out with friends and I got steamed again thinking his Dad hasn't been to a hockey game yet but he managed how to send flowers to a funeral home in Illinois.

sorry but I don't see the connection between the flowers and his no contact with son. With your son I will assume the guilt and or awkwardness keeps your h away. Shaming your h more will only delay their reconciling...

I am saying all this b/c my DB coach, an angel, taught me that^^^.
That does NOT make you responsible for their r, but don't worsen it.


And to think I was going to send him a text TELLING him when the hockey game was last weekend. As if he can't figure out a multitude of things ON HIS OWN....thank you ces I think for that one, maybe 25. Someone said, he is a pilot. He can figure it out. Do not do anything for him. I am dense....

My IC said at the beginning of this not to let him come over and make himself feel better by working on house/cars/yard and that gone is gone.

is your IC familiar with DB principles? I doubt it. That does NOT make them wrong - but it does sort of conflict with what a DB coach might say and can create confusion in your approach, which makes it harder to monitor results.

For instance, if my DB coach were talking now my guess is she'd ask what your h's love language is. IS he an "acts of service" type? If so then this is his way of expressing love.

For sure she told me to "applaud Loudly for the 1% of positives he does" and trust me

that is NOT easy. But it sure helps things. The angrier you are, the less he'll come around and

the more you will validate his choice to leave.

AND
Lose the anger, at least in front of him. You have to counter the negatives he has created, to justify his actions, with positives.


However, if he wasn't coming to do those things then I think I would be really upset. So, I was conflicted about allowing him to come over earlier but I am thankful he cares enough to act like we are a priority, albeit not the way I want but this is what he has to offer now so I am thankful. Is this correct thinking????


I think so. It's not the spouse's job to "teach them a lesson", or "show them the consequences of their actions"...LIFE does that. (Another DB coaching gem)

You want him to feel comfortable coming over, and give him something to miss. No man misses a cold woman.

Let him know that "Son made two goals!!" My guess is, He will wish he'd been there, trust me...

and it can't hurt. Don't get sucked into the "I must PUNISH my spouse" b/c the thing is

you are here posting to try and save the m, right? Okay then...(you can always whomp on him later if a divorce happens)

the more relaxed or comfortable he is around you guys the more of a bond that will exist and that CAN be the basis of something real and lasting that he will miss...


Mishka - aren't you in travel? Can I get a 3-day German Rail pass issued anywhere around here? Or in Athens?

Thank you for the continued advice and support. Without you I would go mad.