I almost never initiate contact with my xh. I did send him the funeral service of an old mutual friend recently. My xh was unable to go, as he was in hospital. I would have done that for an old friend that I no longer had much to do with, and it saved my widowed friend from having to do it.
I am pretty detached for the most part, and see very clearly what a walking disaster his life is. I am a mix of sorry for him [because of what we had] exasperated that he is so emotionally stupid, and relieved not to have to deal with it now we are divorced.
I have no idea what he thinks about anything, and the further away I get, the less the whole mess bothers me. I will not say I don't care, because we had a long marriage, and to dismiss all of that would diminish me, but it is no longer a significant part of my life. It was, for a long time, and I do not regret that. It felt right to mourn something that lasted a long while, and brought me much happiness.
Beatrice, Your posting was beautiful. We all care about them, but as we move on the journey of life, the caring becomes that of caring for someone you knew. It really does become a different way of caring as the years go by.
I hear you loud and clear about the detachment and being relieved that you don't have to deal w/the mlc mess now that you are divorced.
How are you doing these days? How is your family doing?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
For some odd reason I was looking at my old wedding photos..... and seeing the photos of so many folks that have passed away sort of gave me that feeling Beatrice described.
I am sad that my dad, grand parents, various aunts and uncles and parents of friends are gone. But seeing their photos was just happy memories.
Also seeing photos of old friends whose friendships are gone was funny. I was just remembering the good parts, even though some of those friendships ended badly.
And I was actually thinking that someday I would feel that way about H, too. Must be feeling more that way, because the wedding photos didn't make me cry.... Sad a little, but no tears. So yes, Snodderly, a different way of caring is a good way to describe it.
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Wendy, it is early days, and you are doing incredibly well. Whether your husband comes through this or not, you will be fine.
My children are doing well, each of them having come to terms with it in their own way. It was hard for them because he had been such a good and loving father. Not only did they lose their father, effectively, although he does now show strong signs of reconnecting, but of course on his terms! [he is a PA MLCer who hasn't learned a thing] But the trust has gone. They had to deal with someone they loved and trusted, and depended on emotionally treating them as if they didn't matter, and that is hard for children at any age.
I think that is one of the hardest things, we depend [not co-depend, although of course that can be present] in a close family relationship, and we rely on people, and they walk away from all of that because they think it is stifling them. Hard for us, but in some ways even harder for our children. They are, after all their flesh and blood, whether adopted or born to them.
Well ex showed up to my daughter's parent/teacher conference. After the conference he started talking about how miserable he is with his life. I made the mistake of asking him why he was so unhappy and he spewed and spewed about how I wrecked his life. He made some very interesting comments and statements. He said that if it was not for me, we would have been retired by now living on a beach in Hawaii. He wanted to know why I have not married yet and why I did not bring any man around the kids. I told him my life is none of his business and I don't expose the kids to men I date. He was so very angry that I decided to walk to my car. He got more upset when I did this and started yelling at me to not walk away from him. It was really pathetic. I had not seen him spew like that in a long time. I remained calm for the most part. Well, I really don't think the grass is greener for him and he can't face up to looking at what he has done.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Sorry you had a bad encounter. But I think that sometimes the fact that he said all those things out loud might be good. Maybe his brain heard what he said, and he might process some of it..... Well at least we can hope!
PS Beach living in Hawaii..... crazy. Smart people live up in the mountains! (Of Hawaii)
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Sounds like your XH is the one who can't let go. After all this time you are still to blame for his misery. I agree, he can't face and own up to having screwed up his life. So, what better way to try and live with himself and actions then by continuing to blame you?
Seems like he wants you to move on with someone else so that there would be a definitive reason for him to let go and relieve his guilt. He needs more fuel to maintain the reasons he left.
Appears that you have been on his mind, a lot...I'm thinking that this may be the part where I've read that the shoe starts to worn by the MLCer, and they start to regret what they've done, and where the LBS is on stable ground and continues to rebuild and live their best life.
Trusting, I am so sorry that he went off on you like that. However, I'm w/Seeking...you have been on your xh's mind for quite a while. He's definitely regretting the grass is greener illusion, but doesn't or can't acknowledge that he is the reason that his life is the way it is today. As for questioning you about meeting someone and getting married again, you have puzzled him. He actually thought you would do this, but what I think is that he had hoped you would do this to alleviate the guilt for him. I also think he's doing a heck of a lot of projecting on to you for his problems. He still has not grown up and owned his mistakes.
Please do not take any of what he said to heart...it's projection. As I always say, he's not baked yet.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you all for your replies. I have to admit this encounter was pretty scary. However, before I walked to my car, I walked toward him and got real close to him and ran my hand down his tie, looked him in the eye and told him that, "all I want for him is his happiness, and he appears to have many regrets". I caught him so off guard. When I did this he moved closer to me, but told me to get away from him. It spoke volumes and I guess I wanted to show him that his bullying meant nothing to me.
I could not sleep last night thinking of all this. I guess it is time for no contact again.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
