Specifics, please! Can't afford telephone consult!

[mishka422]

Green card husband? Who has one? Curiosity is killing me!!!

[labug]

You mean GirlFriend's mother, I thought it was GrandFather.

Now we're on the same page.

[ptcr]

I read this forum daily...and it never ceases to amaze me how the WAS are the same. I played Scrabble with S16 when he came home from dinner out with friends and I got steamed again thinking his Dad hasn't been to a hockey game yet but he managed how to send flowers to a funeral home in Illinois. And to think I was going to send him a text TELLING him when the hockey game was last weekend. As if he can't figure out a multitude of things ON HIS OWN....thank you ces I think for that one, maybe 25. Someone said, he is a pilot. He can figure it out. Do not do anything for him. I am dense....

My IC said at the beginning of this not to let him come over and make himself feel better by working on house/cars/yard and that gone is gone. However, if he wasn't coming to do those things then I think I would be really upset. So, I was conflicted about allowing him to come over earlier but I am thankful he cares enough to act like we are a priority, albeit not the way I want but this is what he has to offer now so I am thankful. Is this correct thinking????

Mishka - aren't you in travel? Can I get a 3-day German Rail pass issued anywhere around here? Or in Athens?

Thank you for the continued advice and support. Without you I would go mad.

[ptcr]

Totally missed your questions....

OW (nasty 26 year old) has a green card marriage to a foreign national...someone she met in Italy when she was there studying abroad. Ick. Two or three years ago or something gross like that. My L says that will be an issue if we ever go to D as she is filing joint tax returns and using airline for flight privileges and other benefits and she will be deposed as an adulterer since Georgia is a fault state divorce.

Yes, OW's mother just passed away. OW is 26. Her mother was 54. My husband is almost 46. We are closer to her parents age than her...my husband could be her father...when we were dancing at our wedding she was in diapers....

Sorry, used GF as girlfriend and not grandfather....my anger is thwarting my good sense.

[25yearsmlc]

I read this forum daily...and it never ceases to amaze me how the WAS are the same. I played Scrabble with S16 when he came home from dinner out with friends and I got steamed again thinking his Dad hasn't been to a hockey game yet but he managed how to send flowers to a funeral home in Illinois.

sorry but I don't see the connection between the flowers and his no contact with son. With your son I will assume the guilt and or awkwardness keeps your h away. Shaming your h more will only delay their reconciling...

I am saying all this b/c my DB coach, an angel, taught me that^^^.
That does NOT make you responsible for their r, but don't worsen it.


And to think I was going to send him a text TELLING him when the hockey game was last weekend. As if he can't figure out a multitude of things ON HIS OWN....thank you ces I think for that one, maybe 25. Someone said, he is a pilot. He can figure it out. Do not do anything for him. I am dense....

My IC said at the beginning of this not to let him come over and make himself feel better by working on house/cars/yard and that gone is gone.

is your IC familiar with DB principles? I doubt it. That does NOT make them wrong - but it does sort of conflict with what a DB coach might say and can create confusion in your approach, which makes it harder to monitor results.

For instance, if my DB coach were talking now my guess is she'd ask what your h's love language is. IS he an "acts of service" type? If so then this is his way of expressing love.

For sure she told me to "applaud Loudly for the 1% of positives he does" and trust me

that is NOT easy. But it sure helps things. The angrier you are, the less he'll come around and

the more you will validate his choice to leave.

AND
Lose the anger, at least in front of him. You have to counter the negatives he has created, to justify his actions, with positives.


However, if he wasn't coming to do those things then I think I would be really upset. So, I was conflicted about allowing him to come over earlier but I am thankful he cares enough to act like we are a priority, albeit not the way I want but this is what he has to offer now so I am thankful. Is this correct thinking????


I think so. It's not the spouse's job to "teach them a lesson", or "show them the consequences of their actions"...LIFE does that. (Another DB coaching gem)

You want him to feel comfortable coming over, and give him something to miss. No man misses a cold woman.

Let him know that "Son made two goals!!" My guess is, He will wish he'd been there, trust me...

and it can't hurt. Don't get sucked into the "I must PUNISH my spouse" b/c the thing is

you are here posting to try and save the m, right? Okay then...(you can always whomp on him later if a divorce happens)

the more relaxed or comfortable he is around you guys the more of a bond that will exist and that CAN be the basis of something real and lasting that he will miss...


Mishka - aren't you in travel? Can I get a 3-day German Rail pass issued anywhere around here? Or in Athens?

Thank you for the continued advice and support. Without you I would go mad.

[mishka422]

PTC, I am in travel. We can issue you a 3 day German rail pass. The cost for 1 adult and 1 youth Germany only rail pass including agency fees and rail pass protection (against loss, theft, or strike), and overnight shipping (they don't offer an electronic option for rail passes) would be $481.95.

I think you said you're leaving next week right? The key is when next week. If you're leaving Monday it's not going to be possible to get it in time. By the time they process it and get it in the mail it won't arrive in time.

If you are only going to take a couple of trains while there it may be less expensive to just buy point to point rail tickets when you get there.

If you need further help you could come into the office or call us. The most info I could give you here on how to find the office would be we are in Westpark back in the office complex not the shopping area and we're in the same building as the Webb law firm.

Happy to help. We can all use all the info we can get!

Now, back to the subject we are all here for.

I can't say enough times how much I agree with 25. She is spot on and is a master DBer.

My xh is an AOS guy all the way. It's how he shows his love. It drove me nuts that he would show up whenever he liked and clean my gutters, mow my lawn, fix things around the house. He made sure to do it when I wasn't there for the most part because he knew how uncomfortable I was being around him. I resigned myself to it and made sure to tell him how much I appreciated his help. I think it helped pave the way a little bit. Even after we were D'd he did the same thing. Drove ow crazy! LOL

[ptcr]

Okay, 25, thank you, thank you, thank you....I am calling a DB coach today. You are correct, he will not miss a cold woman. My IC is great but she definitely leans more toward Dobson's Tough Love theory - which is go and be gone, etc...and her other "solutions" to issues with S16 have been a little "harsh" if you know what I mean, and we are strict parents, trust me. I think I must be thinking in the "punish" mode by choosing to be absent. IC has NOT read this book. I reread it last night and was wondering if I was in LRT or After the LRT. Thanks...you cleared it up and I am a bit confused. Six weeks in I suppose this is normal

Rewriting goals. Want him home. Why would I leave? It feels SOOOO weird to think he would drive up and knock on the door???? What do people do?

The relationship between the hockey season and the funeral flowers is that he is doing what is important to him right now and it obviously is not S16's hockey game or S18's college break but IS OW's pain from losing her mother which means pains for me that we are discarded. Maybe melodramatic...our home is important because he did come over and mow and repair stuff.

[ptcr]

Wise 25, what about S16? They don't want to see their Dad and S16 only answers texts occasionally from him and refused to see him earlier this week when he wanted to have dinner. What about that? I encouraged him to forgive his D for his own heart but should I "force" him to text his D about his life, hockey games, etc...

Now S18 said to his Dad "do not text me, call me, try to visit me" and told his D to "man up and take responsibility for his wife and son" and has had NO contact with his D at ALL. Says he has totally lost all respect for him. What about him?

Not that I can do a thing about them, just wondering which way to encourage or if I should drop it.

THANK YOU!

[ptcr]

Mishka, thanks for advice on tickets. Calling brother this morning. May rent a car since there are 4 of us going to Berlin....drive on the Autobahn and all!

So, if he SHOWS his love in AOS that is how he wants to receive it you think? We did the 5 LL study a long long time ago and most recently did Love and Respect (he feels disrespected by my disagreeing with him he says "constantly" where I feel like he is a "helicopter" parent/husband swooping in on us and trying to change things when he is home from a trip so my 180 has been agreeing to every single thing he has done - besides that big check from the VA - since he left).

Our latest Intimacy Issues Bible study uncovered sexual issues. He said the week he was home and had one foot out of the door that we never needed a marriage counselor and that we just needed a sex therapist. So, I called one and made an appointment. He said he is addicted to sex with OW. All I can do is wait this one out. He repeatedly said he did not have enough sex when he was younger and that he missed out. Again, reiterated this the week he had 1 foot out the door. What do I do with this? Wait it out is my only option. He said that for first 18 months he was fooling around and it was meaningless (referred to self as sex addict and then back pedaled big time and denied it) but this new OW is different - it is emotional and he is in love with her.

The emails I intercepted between them in January are exclusively about sex and exercise (she runs half marathons).

Another thing he mentioned to was that I was not active enough. I go to the gym - he refers to us as "gym rats" - and he is a triathlete and he said he just wanted us to be "fit" and I was "going in the wrong direction." Keep in mind, I am a size 8. There is nothing about me that is in the wrong direction, I am just not a competitive athlete.

I have never been a runner...the occasional 5K race but I don't like to run. Period. Never have. I love the gym, the elliptical, lifting weights, but I am not a competitive athlete. She is and he finds that enticing, i know, because they were going to register for 1/2 marathon he told me on his way out the door. Should I start running?????

One of the women was a competitive tennis player that he saw for a while....again, he is a 4.0 tennis player and I played on a team for a while and we enjoyed mixed doubles but HE is competitive AND good and I am a 3.0 player. He watched me lose a doubles match once at the Tennis Center and said it was THE most frustrating thing he has ever seen because I lost the mental game in the second set and then didn't even get a game in the third). Of course, I go TO his tennis matches and cheer him on and TO his triathlons and cheer him on, but if in his mind this is not enough, what can I do?

I have always believed that my role was a mom and wife to a family that had one parent gone 1/2 of every month and before the airlines he was on deployments and detachments (had S18 ALONE during a 6-month deployment and H not home until he was almost a month old - now THAT took some strength) and yes now I realize I lost myself somewhere along the way but I am who I am...a great baker, nurturing person, servant heart volunteer worker, gardener, avid reader, music lover - polar opposite of competitive athlete.

Any ideas on what he is "really" telling me. I would love to know. I would walk to LA from NY as someone else said...with a smile on my face.

[ptcr]

We have movement....he informed me he is going to S16's hockey game tonight and it would be "cool if I was there" and a couple of other things about work he did yesterday around the house for which I thanked him and I replied "see you tonight" and he said back to me "looking forward to it" and also commented that he saw the score of S16's game last week, etc, etc, so it is important to him.

Weird as anything for us to take 3 cars (S16 coming from work) but resisted to say want to pick me up if that would be less weird, let's grab a beer before the game, blah, blah, blah but it DID OCCUR to me! STFU. I am trying to STFU.

What to wear, what to wear....