Quote: According him, I was weak, co-depenant and too emotional because I cried and threw-up a lot after he informed me that he was deserting our M and his responsibilities.
I wailed, moaned, begged on my hands and knees and THEN threw up...
Quote: And then of course, there was that minor detail about him screwing around with someone at work.
The OW became reality when she called here three months after bomb#1...That night I got stinking drunk, over medicated myself, became violently ill and begged CJ to just finish me off as I dragged myself down the hall way...
Quote: Apparently, I was enormously weak when he told me that 'he loved me, but wasn't IN love with me', 'didn't think that he ever had been in love with me',
All of the above...PLUS having OW on a three way call getting CJ to say he DID NOT LOVE ME, but still "cared".
Yup, Jeannine, we all have these horrors, and myriad others tucked away in memory. In a lot of ways, these were the hardest things for me to deal with.
Well, maybe the incredible lies too...
I must say that having CJ tell me (mostly in letters) that this WON'T happen again, that no one and nothing will come between us...really has helped.
And it DID have to come voluntarily, from him. This was very recent.
I know I'm not making a lot of sense at this point, but I DO have a thought here:
Are any of you struggling with reconciling who your H's are today, who you thought they were pre A, and who they were DURING the night mare?
Sometimes I think of it not at all...most of the time in fact. But then like a subtle itch...it's there. How could he have DONE that? (even little things...like making travel plans, lying to his work about the trips...)
Actually, that's one conversation I WOULD like to have with CJ. At this point it's almost at an academic level for me...I'm honestly fascinated to know how a person who is basically honest, loyal, "good"...can DO such things? What do they say to themselves that makes it all right?
Just HOW did CJ feel when he composed that detailed "letter from me" confessing to a two year affair with my ex fiance (which he e-mailed to OW as "proof" I was a cheater first ).
I suppose part of me wants to know so that I can understand, because a lot of it, I just don't.
).
