My wife has been having an affair for nearly a year. A couple months ago, she finally decided to leave him, but after a week changed her mind and now is certain she wants a divorce. We have three children, 7, 9, and 10. Married for 11 years. There is so much that is pertinent; I don't know where to start. I've read most of DB and MR, so I'll start with the here-and-now (although some history is always necessary). She is completely inside of her affair, so I don't really have much leverage. We are still very civil. In fact, I am afraid to employ the Last Resort Strategy since I have not been begging and crying and pursuing (not much) and my not pursuing her over the course of our marriage is a source of pain for her. We are going to try birds nest custody (kids stay put, we take turns living with them for 2 weeks), but at the end of the school year we are talking about moving "back home" for more family support (and of course, that's where her OM lives). I don't know if I can get a job there, definitely not as high paying. I already don't make enough to support more than one household. She is a homemaker. My thinking has been all over: I'll just wait it out and work on me and secure my place in the kids lives; I'll let her do what she wants to do; I've hurt her so much, if I love her why would I want her to be with me?; I'm just being a doormat, I need to show her strength and fight for my kids...etc. So, one of our big "issues" has been my use of porn. I have always tried not to and been apologetic and even sought treatment as an addict. But I've always trivialized it to a point (since it never advanced to prostitutes or affairs, etc.). But it is time for that to change. That behavior is symptomatic of some parts of my personality that I need to change. Well, whether it is too little or too late for my marriage, I am done. I will do whatever I have to do to get better. Now, I'm not justifying her affair (and she is trying not to as well), but that is her choice. Obviously it is not my choice to make for her. My choices are: I choose to be the best man I can be. I choose to be committed to my wife. I choose to be committed to my children. But then uncertainty sets in: Do I choose to encourage the process towards moving? I truly think being there will be good for the kids. But what if I can't get a job there? Do I try a bold stand to keep the kids here? That will probably end in her hating me?
How long have you been trying DB techniques? Have you done any 180's?
- All for the kids - Me:34, W:35 M:7, T:13 S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage July 2011 "I think I need a separation" W filed D September Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
I have also had a HUGE problem with porn, and it is tough to kick, especially with the internet being like the world's biggest free candy store for porn addicts. For me it has only started to subside in my mid 40s, and part of that is because I am so busy all the time. I can only say pray plenty and always forgive yourself and start over if you slip.
As far as LRT is concerned, I think that you should do that. First of all, if she is convinced that OM is all that, she doesn't want you to pursue her, and you trying to do so will only make her retreat further into his arms. You may have a chance to look good to her, but only if you look like someone who can enjoy his life independent of her - I think it is likely that the last thing she will be attracted to is someone who seems like he needs her.
The second reason you really should consider LRT is because of the chance that she won't come back to you no matter what you do. If that is the case (and I really, truly, hope it is not), then you will need to GAL and make yourself happy not to convince her, but to reclaim your own life and be ready to face the world on your own. So, basically, do the LRT as though it is for real - because it may be - and pray that it is not.
I think that doing the LRT may help you to feel better.
You don't have to feel like you're Dan Quixote; getting your own life back together will accomplish something. I'm keeping a good thought for you.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
Let me add this for you..The more you GAL, the less you will be bored enough to go look at porn. One reason so many people do this is because they are bored or don't have enough to do. Get out of the house. Take the kids for a walk or too the park. Do activities with them at night. When they go to bed, DON'T log into your computer. Next thing you know, you don't miss it!
Cadet, you're an experienced DBer. Can you point me (us?) at any resources on "cake eating"? I've struggled with whether I should be doing things around the house to make things easier on W, really worried that I'm giving her the best of both worlds.
My DB coach advised me differently. She feels that the things I do to make W's life better are constructive and that I'm making deposits to her "love bank".
In my case, there is only a long-distance EA, not a PA. I'm not sure if that makes a difference.
Is there a thread somewhere that I can read?
- All for the kids - Me:34, W:35 M:7, T:13 S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage July 2011 "I think I need a separation" W filed D September Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
So, OM lives 1000 miles away, but she spent about 8 weeks there last summer and has seen him at least every month since then. I read the books a week and a half ago, but feels like a long time Some 180s I'm trying to implement are: I used to make her coffee in the mornings. I try to smile and even laugh when we are around ea other (even when she's been on the phone w/OM for the past hour). I'm super working on my temper with kids. I've been going downhill with them for a few years, and really really need to get control. I'm focusing on recovery. Have a c appt and starting back to a 12-step group. As I said, porn is symptomatic, and I'm also trying to pray, which is so hard. But that's the center of everything. I am biting my tongue till it bleeds about OM. Some on the horizon: I think I'll start playing soccer again. I think I should break out my cello and dust it off.
I will have to think about it for a while to see if I can come up with a thread for you to read but I can tell you this, I usually post on the mid life crisis board, and that with google and cake eating might get you the answer. I can say no more than that here.
Deposits to a love bank are fine, except that, are you deposting more than she is taking out? Because if not you will be running a deficit, and the bank will run out. Sometimes you need to close the bank and save what is in it for use at a different time.
At least that is what I know about love banks. Great concept at the right time.
On the subject of time: I have about 4 months before a big crossroads. But right now I have to start making some decisions. We have talked about divorce and divorce agreements, etc. My new decision is to allow her to initiate those talks if she wants, and to not be a party to the filing of the divorce (I'll discuss terms, but she will have to "serve me papers"). After a week of that discussion not going forward, this morning she says she has found an apartment nearby. We had agreed that at the end of the month I would move out for my first turn away, and then she would take her turn. I am reconsidering this, and would really appreciate advice here. I definitely won't move out (even for "my turn") before we have a clear, signed agreement. But should I up it to "I won't move out unless I am forced to, or unless I am convinced it is best for me and the kids"? Thanks to everyone here. I don't feel as alone.
