Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing

[Jenna333]

This is probably the most traffic I've ever had here! Even when I posted in newcomers, and I have 3-4 threads in that section, I rarely had replies. I had to practically beg for help at times

Well, a couple of nights ago was extremely traumatizing. Here is a very condensed version: I found out that J had kept something from me and all hell broke loose. He started yelling about how he isn't good enough for me, this feels like the old R and it's his fault. He said he was leaving again, except this time he said he was still in love with me, and he was leaving because I deserve better. The whole thing was so absurd! We didn't sleep that night, and had therapy the next morning at 8am. He was numb. He said he wasn't sure if his feelings for me were fizzling or if he was just numb, but he didn't know how to feel. I burst into tears. It felt like the bomb all over again. Later that day he told me he in fact was numb earlier and he IS still in love with me. His feelings are not fizzling, according to him. He said he hasn't changed enough.

Oh, the first issue that caused the fight was me asking him about his feelings for OW. He wouldn't talk about it. He said he's told me how he felt before (that he doesn't feel that way for her anymore) and how he felt while we were split up isn't my business and not something I deserve to know. It made me feel like he felt more strongly for her than he told me. It scared me because he still works with her. He later told me he didn't want to talk about when we were split up at all because I used to obsess about it before. It's true. I left him 5 years ago and 4 months into it he slept with someone. He was still in love with me, but I had an OM (the one that I said I was in love with our entire R...yeah). When we got back together, I obsessed about the OW. It was ugly. It lasted for years.

Anyway, we are still together. I decided to not bring up OW or the past anymore. It was slowly killing us. I just have to trust that he is over whatever he saw in her before and that he won't leave again. VERY hard to do considering he was talking about leaving the other night. We have to be patient with each other and honestly stop being so serious about everything! We need to RELAX and let things go. We need to forgive and trust.

It's so hard to trust him about OW. He says I have nothing to worry about because nothing happened and he loves me, not her. Yes, nothing physically happened, but she was part of the catalyst for him leaving a 9-year relationship. She ended things with them after 1 date. I'm apprehensive. According to our therapist, I have a right to be. But focusing on her only brings her into our R, the exact place I do not want her to be.

J had to get over and trust that I didn't love OM anymore when we got back together 5 years ago after a 4 month separation. I can get over this. It's nothing compared to what he's had to deal with. It helps me to keep that into perspective.

-------------------------------------------------

Stephanie, I'll check out your thread! So sorry this is happening to you. No marriage retreat for us.