Forgiveness

[2thepoint]

Wow, Antlers! You've got a lot going on. Here are my thoughts....

Your Ex just swung open the door to having your D live with you. Take her up on it and make arrangements starting today. Get her under your roof, with your rules and your care. Then lets see if perhaps that creates a catalyst for getting the other children back on track.

You've been getting good advice from the other posters regarding the challenges you are facing with your children. I believe that you need to take a more assertive approach with them and their behavioral issues. I don't know if the legal route is the best path or something else. I don't have much experience with this. But I can say that sitting back and being helpless is definitely not the answer.

Have you ever heard of "the total transformation system?" It is a self help program that has several cd's/dvd's that are great for learning how to deal with and manage defiant behavior in children of all ages. You might be able to find it at a discount on ebay, craigslist, etc. Take a look at it and see if maybe there is some value for you.

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After reading your posts from the past 2-5 days it seems clear to me that you still have not completely let go of your Ex and your M. Man, you have got to let it go or it will drag you down to a place you don't want to be.

Quick story:

A female friend of a friend was married with 2 kids and she left her H for another woman, (apparently she discovered she was gay). They have been D for 5 years. The husband was devastated by the breakup. Not only did he lose his M and his W, but he lost his W to a woman. Talk about a crushing blow to his ego.

The problem is he never recovered from the devastating loss of his W to another woman. As a result, he went into a deep depression. He simply couldn't pull himself out of his funk. His health deteriorated considerably.

One day his daughter went to his house to get some clothes and saw her father sitting in a recliner. Something didn't feel right to her, so she went out to the car and told her mom that she thought dad might be sick. Mom goes in and discovers that he had died. He was 38 years old.

Turns out he had totally let his health decline and he basically just gave up on life. One might deduce that he may have died of a broken heart.

Antlers, you sound depressed to me and I really think you need to do something about it. Having a big GAL might be one solution or perhaps a combination of AD's and GAL might be helpful. Only you know what would be best but I think you need to do something here because you are in a deep funk.

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Regarding the text exchange with your S; I don't know how long it had been since you had communication with him, (seems I remember it being quite a long time) but he opened a little door and you barged right on through like a bull in a china shop.

Remember several weeks ago I suggested that you stop the pursuit and give him some space to find his way, his courage and maybe he'd come seek you out again? I wish you would heed this advice.

Anyway, here is how your reaction to his initial text came across as I read it.

If you are familiar with the movie 16 Candles, then you'll recall the scene where the Geek and Samantha are sitting in a car in the HS auto shop. He's telling her about how much of a schmuck he is with girls and Samantha is trying to be caring and sympathetic and the Geek totally mistakes this as some sort of overture and leans over and starts dry humping on Samantha.

She manages to fend him off and so they continue their conversation and once again he thinks she is sending a signal of interest and again he's all over her! Finally, he gets the message and backs off.

This is how you came across in that text exchange. You get a little signal and WHAM full steam ahead.

Now if you were to take it a little slower (i.e. give your son the clothes he asked for) then maybe things would turn out different and the door would open wider.

Continuing on with my analogy; later in the same scene, after the Geek has bared his soul and stopped his pursuit, he asks Samantha if he can borrow her underwear. And... the rest is history!

I know that was a corny way of trying to convey to you that you need to slow the hell down. When a door cracks open don't go barging through. Rebuild the trust one small gesture at a time and I think you will begin to see movement.

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I picked up something you said earlier about a friend asking you to go to church and that you have declined.

I've got to tell you Antlers, you really should go. You and I have had several back and forth's about prayer and religion and I really believe that you would find great comfort if you would attend church on a regular basis.

First of all it gives you something to do on a Sunday morning, (gets you out in the world and out of your own head). But more importantly, if you can find a way to connect spiritually with God, I think you will begin to see more clearly where your path to peace lies.

I'm not an overly religious person. But since the development of my sitch, I have come back to the church and have found great comfort there. I have also been able to share this with my kids and we have developed a nice little routine and have grown closer as a result.

Just something for you to think about.

I've said enough for now. Sorry for such a long post,

Be well, Antlers!