Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - It's A Choice

[wawinla]

"Intellectually I am ready to let go of my m. My heart struggles to catch up with my head. It creates scenarios and creates feelings that if I am able to step back... I can say "that makes no sense"... but in the moment I perceive very differently.

It's been almost a year and I still struggle with the fact that my w doesn't really want anything to do with me...

I believe that love is a choice and the fact that my w chooses something different... hurts like hell.

I believe out of this whole process, this is my deepest wound and the one that will take the longest to heal.

And the pain still creates emotions that sometimes makes me want to stop being dark. To go back to small talk when we speak and bail her out of things. To try and rescue and fix her negative feelings about me... as if I had anything to do with how she created them in the first place.

But small talk doesn't equal her wanting a relationship with me.

And her guilting me or giving me opportunity to rescue her... doesn't mean I should.

Of course it's not like we talk frequently.. but these things tend to happen almost every time we talk....

.... so I remain dark.

I know dark IS healthier for me. It stops me from doing all of that. It allows me to feel what I feel and even if I don't agree or completely accept what she feels, she can still feel them w/o anything from me.

My last post talked in response to 25 questions talk about living in fear alot with my w. This fear has been built up over years of our toxic relationship....

....I am at the point of recognizing it....but it's still difficult to not let it consume me..... even harder to not let it influence my decisions.

...so for this reason I remain dark.

In some ways, going dark has been one of the hardest things I've had to do for myself. I also believe it may be one of the most loving."

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Val:

I appreciate your eloquence...I feel exactly the same. My heart has not caught up to my head and I find it's infinitely easier to detach/to let go when I don't see my WAW. The few times I have seen her in person, it is difficult to not start "bargaining" in my head. In those moments I try to remember that as you stated, she has no desire to be in a R with me and thinking otherwise is not healthy for me. However like you said, accepting this fact is the most difficult and toughest wound to heal.

Sigh...so be strong my friend and keep doing what you've been doing...it is the right path.