Outside the Scope of This Report Part 3

[WenikiTiki]

[quote=WenikiTiki]


She is staying with her 1st H and his mother in their old house, which she still owns half of.... And telling everyone how her mean H dumped her for no reason.


This makes me wonder if OW isn't going through serious replay back to her 1st H. Stay tuned to as the world turns.......

Great insight! I hadn't thought of that. I did know she was a WAW from him. She claims she was gone 2 months before he noticed. She left her then 9 year old son behind, so I'm pretty sure her then H noticed she was gone!

I did say that I believe my not so dramatic MLC (Buy boat, fix it up, sail fron Frisco to here..... all in my head to make my H happy?!?!) was what triggered my H into this crisis. And I sure think that at 54 OW is big time MLCing!


On a different note my mom told me to open my bible and read until I found something to comfort me. I read off and on for two days. Finally found something in Ecclesiastes 9:4

For to him that is joined to all the living there is hope: for a living dog is better than a dead lion.

My take away from that is to GAL (Be joined to the living) and enjoy what I have, not worry about what is dead and gone.

And there were two old 4 leaf clovers pressed into that page, placed there by me in the 9th grade. My bible used to be full of pressed flowers, I put one in there from every event up until I got married. I am going to start putting flowers in there again!

And back to the story about OW: My H only tells me what is going on with her when he is wavering back to me. SO indeed, stay tuned, but I don't know when I will getting that next installment of the soap opera out! Right now he is quiet except when picking fights with me!

[beatrice]

My goodness, two MLCers hooked up together, no wonder it is volatile, and they also probably think they are having fun. Not quite as we might see it though.

I never thought that my xh's OW1 [which lasted almost 6 years start to final finish, and like the bunny boiler I still wonder if she is waiting in the wings, although it began and ended more times than I could count, or cared to know about] could also be MLC. She certainly ended her previous r to be with my xh, but she was and probably still is a man hunter, and I am far from convinced that she remained faithful to my xh during that time.

But of course according to hm the reason it never worked was that he would still periodically try and leave her and come back to me. I love the way it is ALWAYS and invariably our fault. Whatever is wrong in their lives, and we are far away . . .

Unpredictable as they are, there is a predictability about the patterns they act, and they are never ever wrong about anything.

[WenikiTiki]

Funny timing with you saying they are never wrong about anything.

Last night one of my friends called me to tell me she and her H are getting divorced. He has asked her 3 times in the past few years, blah, blah, blah. I shared about the DB/DR stuff, don't know if she will listen.

Anyway, she had to get something off her chest. She wanted me to know that last year in January, when we took her and her husband and several other friends out on the boat, including OW as my pretend friend she had seen something terrible.

She had gone down to the head, and caught my H kissing OW. My H said that she fell down. Later we were laying up on the trampoline, me on one side of H, OW on the other. Evidently he was holding my hand on one side and had his othwe hand under her sarong and sort of under her butt.

My friend said it upset her so bad she went home and was throwing up. Don't know why she waits til now to tell me.

I couldn't stop myself from asking H about this stuff this morning. He said my friend is a trouble causer and making stuff up. And God help me sometimes I just can't shut up. I said: So OW did fall and you just caught her on your face?

I guess which brings me to how do we continue on in the face of what is just a load of humiliation. My H can't even think to say he is sorry he was so careless about who saw.

I know I am supposed to be keeping the road home paved smooth. But some days I think I need the landslide repair guys to come by and work on my road. I had a nice memory of that day on the boat, and now it is icky.

I was stop-signing a lot last night. But it didn't help. And it also didn't help that I was looking for a photo of a tie-dye project for the quilt guild newsletter, but kept finding pictures of OW along with H on all the fun adventures we took her on. I finally got smart and put in the article with no photo....

Okay, I'm off to donate some stuff and head to power yoga!

Hope everyone has a nice day!

[beatrice]

You know something - I feel we tie ourselves in knots keeping the darned road home smooth. I think it can be carried too far. Fwiw I think it means not saying things in anger that you might wish unsaid. Not putting up with anything and everything they might do.

Stating your boundaries, and your dislike of horrible behaviour is a reasonable thing to do. I tried to say everything only once, and I have bottled up a lot, but I no longer want my xh back. I am not prepared to do any more work on the marriage.

I didn't break him or the marriage. And I can't fix either. I can only fix me, and part of fixing me is treating myself with respect, and expecting others to do so. If they can't they have no place in my life. Bad DBing? Don't know. I don't have to be 'right' but I do have to be able to say "I will not be treated this way, now or in the future" Your h doesn't see, in his MLC fog, the enormity of what he is doing. But that is his issue.

I am sure others will disagree with this post!

[AJM]

Disagree? Hell no, I don't disagree. I think you are spot on, B.

For my money, they should make that a must read for this forum.



AJ

[kml]

My friend said it upset her so bad she went home and was throwing up. Don't know why she waits til now to tell me.

Ummm...ya! What kind of friend doesn't come and tell you your H is cheating on you? Not a very good one.

AS for your H - really, it is ridiculous, isn't it, the way they'll lie straight to your face when caught with their hand in the cookie jar? Really - he's been going over to her house on weekends but he has to lie about when it started now?

The way I see it, Wen, there are a few paths ahead.

1) OW does something stupid to turn H off, or you continue being your cute and interesting self, and he gradually leans back home. This actually ISN'T a good option, because unless he can own up to his own behavior and take responsibility for it, you'll be looking over your shoulder forevermore.

2) H wakes up and comes out of his fog and wants to work on the marriage (mind you, this might not happen until after you separate or start dating another guy - see nblost's thread in Infidelity). If this happens, you need to be careful to make him do the work of figuring out his stuff, counseling and everything else.

3) You separate and you discover how nice your life is without him, how much more appreciative other men can be, how much more pleasant life is without his nonsense - in which case, you won't want him back, but you'll be happier anyway.

[WenikiTiki]

Today I heard the song "In a Big Country" two times.

Here are the lyrics to refresh anyone's memory:

I've never seen you look like this without a reason,
Another promise fallen through, another season passes by you.
I never took the smile away from anybody's face,
And that's a desperate way to look for someone who is still a child.

CHORUS:
And in a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires the mountainside..
Stay alive..

(I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered)


I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert,
But I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime..

CHORUS [x2]

So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you.
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded.
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming.
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted.
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered.

I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert,
But I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime..

CHORUS [x3]


And boy was it speaking to me! I am trying really hard not to view myself as discarded.

Yes kml, that friend isn't really a good friend.

And yes, those 3 paths are the most likely. And I can't even guess myself which way it will go. Though if I had 100K this morning I would have already bought a condo in Kahala and not looked back. Dang there was a good short sale for cash only. Bet it is gone already.

A couple years ago I bought a set of Great Books from an older woman in Kahala. And I had this weird out of body experience when I was putting the books in my car. I could see myself living in that neighborhood as a little old lady.

I spent an hour on the phone with one of my H's cousins, who divorced his wife, then remarried her. She left him, and he said it was tough getting back together, but he feels like they are better now than before. He said his kids are what got them back together. He is 10 years younger than me. And his kids are teens.

He said if my H asked to get back together again, to make him beg. He said he waited 6 months after his wife wanted reconcile, they went to MC during that time, then got back together. This cousin thinks there is a 98% chance my H will want to get back together.
Anyway, I always loved this cousin, we used to have fun together. (I always took him to the store and bought him toys. And we had a '79 Stingray Corvette L82. What kid wouldn't want a ride in that!)

My H has been acting sweet as pie today. Asking to watch TV with me. Which I say yes too, when I should be out not being here. He was sure to tell me he will happily go down to the other room to watch TV if he was bothering me.

And to me it seems like a play on his part to have me reject him. So I played it by ear and said he could watch TV with me. Mostly because HE ASKED and seemed to consider my feelings. And maybe I should be letting him stew all alone, but to me it feels like a chance for me to be with him, show him the woman only a fool would leave, and most of all to not talk, just listen.

I think about OW, and know this won't be over anytime soon. And I know my H is a stubborn guy. So I will keep waiting this out, and have my plan for to do if stuff starts moving faster.

Aloha,

Wendy

[imthemom]

twinkle twat....LOL!!!! LOL!!!!!

[WenikiTiki]

I had a bad night, thunder and lightening storms all night. Scared dogs huddling on me..... And of course in the old days I would be laying next to H for comfort. I forced myself to not go upstairs and get in bed with him. He might have told me to go away, anyway, and who wants to hear that?

The storms make my heart race, horrible feeling. So this morning I did something I haven't been doing. I didn't get up and say goodbye to H as he went off to work. I was thinking about it when I was awake most of the night. And he doesn't know what it is like to be alone. I am always around.

And when I'm saying goodbye every morning I'm thinking that he will say goodbye to me then get in his truck and talk to OW the whole way to work. They can't have cell phones in the building, so they email during the day, them he talks to her the whole drive home. (Lately I think he is pulling over somewhere to talk and then telling me he worked late.)

I find it funny that he is stating to me so plainly that he is leaving me, but he won't talk to her while in our house. And takes pains to hid that he is texting her in front of me.

I need to be working harder on that air of mystery. He won't have to ask can he watch TV with me tonight. I've got plans! My best friends H's birthday party. I will leave a note for him to find when he gets home from work. There is some excellent left-over meatloaf and sides in the fridge.

I'm seeing that he needs time alone to think. And everytime I go do things on my own it sort of bugs him. He needs to spend more time in that uncomfortable place, where he doesn't get to call the shots for me.

I have a hard time lately even getting out of bed. I am actually more depressed than I care to admit sometimes. I am only getting about 1/8th things done that I want to get done.

I have several projects to do for the quilt show. I have started just staying up an hour later every night to work on them. This is helping with my feelings, because I'm seeing progress. Last night I finished a small quilt. It isn't for the show. I just like to have a quilt to warm up on when I do my long arm. I will finish the top of the big indigo quilt I'm making for the show. Then get them quilted on my longarm.

Depression is an awful thing!

Okay, off to lift weights and buy a card and cake for the birthday boy. He gets carrot cake!

Wendy

[BeingMe]

Depression IS an awful thing, I agree. Exercise helps me, especially the dancing. Hahaha! I like "he gets carrot cake." I'm assuming that's your friend's H?

So sorry you had a bad night. I used to be scared of thunderstorms, especially the thunder if it's close. Now, I love them ... they make me feel alive. For so long, I felt dead, or close to death. I need things like storms to awaken my spirit and get me going. But, that's just me.

I was cold in bed the other night when H was home from one of his many trips. I was also tempted to go crawl in with him. I don't think he would've kicked me out, but I won't give him the pleasure of my warm body on any day. He doesn't deserve it.

Oh, I wish I can make quilts. It must be so stress relieving. I guess I'll stick to writing, for now. Been writing a lot of poems lately.