Husband left me...feel hopeless

[Accuray]

So it sounds to me like you've had to work pretty hard on this relationship all along. In your words, you've had to "keep him happy" (versus enjoying happiness with him). H needs lots of stimulation, change, challenge etc. and you've had to step it up to keep things interesting.

Then, a year and a half ago he gave you the ILYBINILWY speech. You did 3 months of MC, and things seemed to be better for him, but you did not feel safe -- you were worried he might do it again, right?

The past year has been a year of trying to earn my trust back because I had this feeling that he was going to do this again, because he never actually sought happiness for himself

What does that mean? Can you explain that more? How was he trying to earn your trust back? What did that look like and how were you feeling during that time? How were the two of you acting during this phase?

He, however, thought we did not make enough improvement and then did this again three weeks ago.

Did what again, told you he doesn't love you, or said that he needed to escape his life?

I simply said that I wanted him to focus on himself and that I didn't want to be a bother to him.

When you say things like that you're putting yourself in a "one down" position -- that is a statement of low value. If you want H to be interested in coming back, you need to appear to be high-value, something worth pursuing and fighting for.

Does that make sense?

Do not make any "feeling sorry for myself" or passive aggressive low value statements. Don't reinforce that positioning.

You need to come around to this way of thinking -- you're hot! You're a good catch, many men would be lucky to have you! You are fun to be around. You are not easily won. If H needs something new happening, he likes to pursue. He likes to be kept on his toes. He wants something to live for.

Here's your blueprint for success:

1) Detach: Do not pursue him at all, give him all the space he wants. Realize that NOTHING you say is going to change his mind. There is no way to appeal his decision. You have to let that go.

2) Rebuild: Focus on yourself. How can you get your self-confidence back? How can you become the person you want to be? What long term goals have you been putting off that you can now pursue? Anything you can do that has short term goals or milestones where you can measure your progress are going to make you feel better. This could be learning an instrument, losing weight, getting in shape -- basically you want something that's going to allow you to measure your progress each week. Convince yourself that you are high value.

3) Be Mysterious: Do not tell H what you are thinking, feeling, etc. Make plans and don't tell H what you're doing. If he calls you and there is music and good times going on behind you, that's what you want. Buy some new clothes, change your hair style, do things that H would not expect.

Recognize that you are hurting really badly right now. What can you do to get support with that that does not involve H? Tell me about the support network you have.

Accuray