Our gutter cleaner told us we need to repair a hole in vent/chimney from squirrel damage. Two of our neighbors have bats in their attic...ick! So, H says he would like to come over tomorrow and do the work. I asked him what time he was going to be here and said I would make plans to be out when he stopped by. Is this right? I do not want to small talk my husband in our home and pretend like he is not living across town. I plan to be out of here...good idea?
Also, he texted me from doctor today and told me he was scared because they were telling him he has an enlarged heart, had a super high systolic blood pressure and a leaky valve. I know he is scared. His Dad had a quintuple bypass and is not well. He has high cholesterol to boot....am I being too cold by not being here? He said he was scared. This is NOT like him.
Thanks for your advice my friends.
Me: 44 H: 45 Married 22 S 18, S 16 Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12
IMO, you shouldn't have to feel the need to leave your home because H is coming over. Detaching doesn't mean avoiding. What would you be doing at home if H wasn't coming over?
As far as his heart issues, that is pretty scary. If he's reaching out, let him know you hear his concern. I've not been in your sitch but from other threads, I've seen other LBSers offer assistance and the WAS take them up on it. Might be an opportunity. But if he declines, then accept it and back off.
Take care.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
PTC, I completely agree with ces. Avoidance is not the same as detaching. If you are very uncomfortable with him being there then by all means leave, but don't tell him you are making plans specifically to be out because he's there! That is giving him power over you and you know he's loving that. Just be out and leave him a note to call you if he has questions. Too late now I suppose, but in future that would be a better way to play that (again, just my opinion).
Now, the health issue may be a stepping stone.
He specifically told you he was scared. That is very telling. He still is relying on you to be his emotional support. He knows full well that the 26 year old chippy isn't going to come hold his hand or probably even stick around if he gets very sick. He sees you as his long term 'rock' and is falling back on that now in his time of need.
Did he ask you to come to the Dr. with him? Did you offer? It could be a crack in the door.
I have seen other people here whose spouses turned to them in a crisis and it pulled them back together. They 'woke up' and realized who was most important to them.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
IMO, you shouldn't have to feel the need to leave your home because H is coming over. Detaching doesn't mean avoiding. What would you be doing at home if H wasn't coming over?
As far as his heart issues, that is pretty scary. If he's reaching out, let him know you hear his concern. I've not been in your sitch but from other threads, I've seen other LBSers offer assistance and the WAS take them up on it. Might be an opportunity. But if he declines, then accept it and back off.
Take care.
Agree all around. It would be kind of you to offer support to him when he is sick and scared. That is not being a doormat, but a good person. But yes, if he declines, don't push it. Shortly after the bomb, my H went to the emergency room with chest pains. He called me and I insisted on coming even though he didn't want me there. I thought it was my duty as his wife to be there for him. Well, I was in the ER with him for 8 hours. It was unpleasant, and I could feel he didn't want me there. It caused bad feelings because I felt unappreciated and H felt infringed upon. If he wants your help, he will appreciate you. Otherwise, it could backfire. Hope he is OK.
Mimi
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Too late is correct. He came, repaired hole in attic vent, mowed lawn, etc, and I was gone. I have absolutely NO desire to see him and pretend like he doesn't live across town screwing that other woman. So, I left. Did I give him control, yes. So I will rethink this if it happens again. Today, a $115 bill to teleflora came onto our account. I could barf...so much for my hard earned changes. I felt sooo good today and now I am spiraling in DISGUST!
I decided DBing is so hard because my good sense says to detach and as soon as i am assaulted with his nasty choices then i am thrown into a spiral. So, it is hard. It is hard on ME!
Ick, ick, ick. I have nothing but detest and disgust for these two. Hatred threatens to take over my soul. Yes, I give him this power over me as I sit here alone, vacillating between fully ATTACHED and intellectually knowing DETACHMENT is best option.
Ughh.....and I was having such a good day.
Me: 44 H: 45 Married 22 S 18, S 16 Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12
Yep....good point, get off account to save MY sanity.
Prior to doing this though I googled where the charge was coming from....teleflora in Illinois. Looks like his GF's mom died yesterday and he probably sent flowers to her funeral home. She is only a FEW YEARS OLDER THAN MY HUSBAND!!!!! No wonder he told me he was scared yesterday at the doctor.
So, on the positive side to this news, i did get her green card husband's name for my L from the obituary! HA!!!! Have his FB page, etc, now downloaded onto my hard drive so this pain was worthwhile.
I remind myself....this is a process. This is in God's hands. I cannot control him, the situation, or anything else. This could be good and if it is not then whatever too.
I applied for a plot at the community garden today (8 x 10) through the farmer's market! I am super excited as the only place i have full sun for vegetables is in my front yard and neighborhood covenants dictate I can only have GRASS and not only that it better look good too. LOL! It is an organic garden though and I know nothing about organic gardening. It is "community" though so I assume this means we learn from each other. They also have 8 x 20 plots. Would this be better? Stuck in suburbia, I have no idea how large my parents' garden was....gigantic.
So, I sit here on this beautiful evening with a full moon, warm weather, a comfortable screen porch, my kids who love me and plans for growing myself some vegetables, and a repaired vent so I don't have to worry about bats! My poor GF counted over a dozen leaving her roof this evening.
PMA-trying to keep up the PMA...calling the bank now and saying prayers for my enemy and her loss because I too have lost a mother and it is just awful.
Me: 44 H: 45 Married 22 S 18, S 16 Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12
