Sandi, in your case, half real, half hypothetical...
If you told a friend, "No, I don't want to have the party at our place because H has the yard trashed with his collection of junk, and it would just be too embarrassing for me for everyone to see that." Does it still count as your forgiving him?
And, if someone asks about your history, your past problems with your H, does it not invoke some unhappy feelings? I would have suspected it still did, even if you've forgiven him.
It seems everything I ask, he either declines outright or neglects until I deal with it myself.
This likely comes from his expectations. He has confident expectations that what ever he does, will not be good enough. Even if he does it, you will not be happy.
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
He has started filling my gas tank for me. It's not something I can't do myself, or something I can depend upon him to do regularly, but does that count?
Yes, that counts.
If you cannot provide him with tasks which he WILL accept, he may reach out in ways that he feels he CAN contribute.
Look for these things and appreciate them. As you let him know you appreciate them, no matter how small or insignificant you may feel they are, he is likely to step in more. Again, praise the positives. Like a child, the more praise you give him, even for attempts, the more likely he will want to do more. Your praise would suggest to him that you are happy... and he wants you to be happy...
If he takes on a "honeydo" task, do your best to not verbalise any flaws in his workmanship or how he may have failed to complete the task to the extent you had hoped. Thank him for doing it and make a note not to ask him to do a similar task in the future.
He has a good golf score, and he's good at tennis and softball. Sports in general. He's very social and can talk to anyone, anywhere. He's good at remembering names. He's good at taking out the trash (meaning he doesn't forget, not that he does it with flair.) He likes to mow the lawn. Friends know him as "Mr. Acts of Service," because he'll drop whatever he's doing to help them when asked. He's great about keeping in touch with family. He'd die for his kids. He likes to tell stories and reminisce. He's very agreeable and will commit to almost anything. I can't speak for his job/work.
Well, H fixed the siding without my nagging. I didn't help, didn't direct, didn't even check his work when he was done. I just told him I really appreciated his dealing with it. (I felt bad for him too because he bloodied his finger in the process.) I looked at it this morning and he really did do a good job. I'll be sure to tell him so later.
Well, H fixed the siding without my nagging. I didn't help, didn't direct, didn't even check his work when he was done. I just told him I really appreciated his dealing with it. (I felt bad for him too because he bloodied his finger in the process.) I looked at it this morning and he really did do a good job. I'll be sure to tell him so later.
Good for your H!! And good for you CV!!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
