Husband left me...feel hopeless

[Accuray]

Stephanie,

Your DB coach is right -- space is the key. Don't beat yourself up when you backslide. This is a man who you counted on for support for years so it's natural to pursue him now. Not doing so is unnatural. Accept that, you will make mistakes. The important thing is to pick yourself back up and keep sticking to the plan.

When this happens, you desperately want everything to be better *now*. As Cadet said, it *will* get better, just not on your timeframe. Ironically, the more patient you can be, the faster things will improve. The more you pursue and push, the longer it will take. It's like planting a bulb in the ground. If you sit there staring at it, it feels like it will never sprout. If you can forget about it, the next time you notice you've got a flower. You MUST back off and give space. It is the hardest but best thing you can do. Repeat that there is NOTHING you can do or say to convince H to come back. Pursuing will only drive him farther away.

I've used this analogy before. Pretend there is a big foam block between you and H. That's the distance he wants. If you try to get closer, you compress the block and it pushes him farther away. The farther you push him, the farther he will have to come back later. If, on the other hand, you step AWAY from him, the foam block falls on the ground, and he can come back TOWARD you before the block starts exerting pressure again. That's what you want, you want to make it safe for him to take a step toward you by INCREASING the distance between you.

If you want something to work on, try this -- you will be benefited if H does NOT know what you're up to. The more mystery you can create, and the more fun you can be having (at least by appearance), the better off your situation will be. Do NOT show H your cards, keep them to yourself. Don't volunteer what you're thinking or what you're doing. Make him wonder. Appear to be fine. This will NOT reinforce his decision to leave, it will make him wonder why you're fine, and that will pull him back.

If you make him resent you by being depressed, sad, etc., he'll avoid you. He doesn't want to be responsible for your feelings right now. That is a terrible reality, but that's what happens in these situations.

Finally, your brief description of your relationship above reminds me of a book I just read called "The Passion Trap". It describes a relationship dynamic where one person is "one up" in the relationship, and the other is "one down". The person who is "one down" is the one who wants the relationship more, and therefore tends to pursue the other one, gets jealous, feels needy and insecure etc. etc. The person who is "one up" feels trapped by the other person, feels responsible for their happiness, and generally feels oppressed by them. It's a painful cycle for both parties. Do you see that dynamic in your longer term relationship? If so, which side were you?

Anything else you can tell us about what was going on longer term? Most relationships fall into patterns of trouble that tend to repeat themselves over and over. Have you identified what yours was? Did H have historic complaints about the relationship? What were they? Note that anything he's complaining about now is most likely B.S. When a spouse walks away, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.

Keep posting. The more you can tell us, the more we can help.

Accuray