Denial....its not just a river in Egypt...

[imthemom]

Ive decided that Mish...Im not calling him for anything anymore unless, like you said, he is comatose. He is back to verbally attacking me when ever we are in the same place and by text so Im officially not just dark, Im going deep dark. right now I have no plans to contact or see him at all until our court date in May. The simple statement he made last night sent me right back were I didnt want to be and Im sick of beating myself up. I am not the person he is making me out to be, and Im sick of being his punching bag when he is feeling like a failure.
He will never change and never grow up...im over it.

[verycrazy]

No, itm, you are not the person he is making you out to be, and that will all come out soon enough. And, don't beat yourself up; you've been doing the best you can possibly do. Maybe he is projecting all his guilt and bad behavior onto you. You should go dark on him, black as midnight as Yasu said. That seems to be the only way he can't spew his venom at you.

vc

[imthemom]

Blocked STBX's number on my cell. Right before I did I sent him a text and let him know that I would only be contacting him by email and only in regards to our S15, if he needed to speak to me regarding S15 only, I would appreciate the same.
He sent some mean text after that but they were ignored. Went to a Al anon meeting last night and it was all about how its a disease and we cant judge them for there behavior to us since they cant control it but we have to set boundries and respond with respect and love....OMG, that is so hard for me. that does not give him permission to treat me like crap and walk all over me. After everything he has done, he treats me like Im this terrible person, or better yet, like Im some insignificant high school gf that he has changed his mind about. Not a 19yr marriage were we raised 3 kids together. It makes me sick, but then I realized that him getting me to the point I was yesterday is not good for me, it would be better to just respond respectfully and set boundries. thus the blocking and no contact.

After 2 months of not seeing S15, they have a plan for S15 to spend the weekend with him this week. I hope it works out but S15 is stressing that his D is going to have him meet his gf. I told him it was going to happen sooner or later and that I was ok with that, so dont worry about me. I am just concerned that this will start more of S15s acting out. I dont want to see him hurt anymore, but we all have to except the situation for what it is...they have been seeing each other for almost a year. Theres a good chance it will turn into to more then what it is now. He needs to be prepared for that.
GAWD..how did I get here??? literally a year ago....its just crazy how 19 yrs can be undone in that short of a time. but really? I guess it was comeing undone way before that...

[imthemom]

Can someone explain how to attach your old post to a new one????

[verycrazy]

I wish I knew. Been here for years and still haven't learned.
vc

[mishka422]

Same here. I have no clue how to attach an old post. You used to be able to link them in your sig line but they disabled that about the same time they disabled the edit button!

[imthemom]

was thinking of moving over to Surviving forum...I hate to leave you girls, I dont know what I would have done if I didnt have you guys to talk to and vent with through all of this. You guys have listened to me sound like the pathetic puddle I was and grow to what I hope is the strong woman I use to be and want to get back to so badly!!!

If you guys only knew what you have talked me threw...it really did get pretty dark for me there for awhile, Ive never felt like that before in my life and dont ever want to go back to that again. The stuff I posted was bad enough...the crazy crap I didnt was horrible. Spring in almost here and I am feeling like Im waking up...I cant change what the path is, and really, dont know if I would want to if change was offered. People are broken, and damaged and sometimes they just cant be of any use to anyone. Its sad to see someone you care about go threw that kind of pain but at some point you just have to cut your losses and move on.

My STBXH is SO damaged, his childhood is one that no one should have ever had to live threw...raised by alcoholics, taking care of his younger siblings...sitting in bars waiting for his parents to finish so they could go home and watch them fight. being responsible for things at way to young of an age...until he was old enough to join the Navy and get the h#$! out. recentley I found out there is a history of abuse...I dont know details and he has never mentioned this to me in 19 yrs. during the moving process I found a notebook that he was using for his 12 step work. It mentioned an uncle and the abuse, We have never spoke of it and I will never ask him but It must be very painfull to never have mentioned it to me.

I have some sympathy for him because of this but there is still no excuse for the hatefull way he has treated me in the last 8 months. I think he is so far gone he is not aware of what he is doing. Right now he is in the middle of that great, new feeling of being in love and nothing else matters. who is going to give that up when youve been so unhappy for so long and now you have this great thing going. Im starting to think there is some MLC going on with him but really...it doesnt matter. He is on his own...and I just want to find me again..or maybe for the first time..

[verycrazy]

You can't get away from us that easily, heh heh. We will go to Survivor's and find you! No, itm, I would wonder about you, so like with others here whose situation I have followed, whether they have either reconciled or moved on with their life after D, I will keep a check on your sitch. And, I hope for the best for you and your family. And I hope the bluebird of happiness drops a big one on you know who.

I agree with you, your STBXH is a really damaged person, and I guess you had to come to a point where it is just too harmful to you to keep on trying with him. I also think feeling sympathy for him is kind of you, but so many people have gone through a bad as that, and had the strength of mind and spirit to get beyond their childhood. I was sexually and physically abused as a child. And my abuser seemed to enjoy humiliating and mentally torturing me. My mother never lifted a finger to stop it. Then he made her choose between my sisters and me, and him, and we were sent away from home for good, because she chose him. My H still says he does not know how I got beyond that and became such a loving mother. I am not that strong a person, so what makes one person able to overcome their childhood, and someone else to spend their life wallowing in it? One of my sisters is like your H. She has never been able to overcome our childhoods. She is an alcoholic, and can't sustain a R. And she is a very vicious, mean person, and believes everyone else has problems except her. You are right, some people are just too broken, and we can't fix them, so we have to just make sure WE don't get broken.

Your STBXH may be in that euphoric world of new love(lust), but he will be lucky if he can sustain it for very many years. I will be surprised if he can. But, like you said, he is on his own, getting what he thinks he wanted, and you have to go and find itm again.

vc

[imthemom]

Went out with my girls for the first time in weeks over the weekend...and wouldnt ya know it. I met a really interesting man. Who ended up calling last night and we had the most relaxed, grown up conversation I have had in years....and he would like to take me to dinner.
I dont know how Im going to handle this ....dont really know if Im ready for anything like that, but it sure was nice to have someone just be pleasant and happy to talk to me. The only thing is Ive felt like Im doing something wrong just by talking to him...how do these men who have full on affairs do it??? Its funny all these months of dealing with the situation you almost rationalize it in your head and it gets to were you adapt to it and it doesnt seem like such a terrible thing. But feeling guilty or like Im doing something wrong just by talking to another man has made me realize how wrong it is...and how selfish and ugly it is....and what kind of person can do that with out any guilt ????
S15 spent a night with his D over the weekend (he was supose to spend the whole weekend but his D ended up canceling) and came home upset because he said that his D kept making nasty comments about me and making him feel like "crap"....I really dont understand why he feels the need to make all of this so ugly. His immaturity is so shocking to me....I really dont know him anymore at all.

[mishka422]

He's trying to poison your son now? That is so immature and seriously BAD parenting.

Question - Did S15 ask to go spend the night at his dad's or was it arranged without his input? He's old enough to decide if wants a R with his dad and if it is hurting him, and he doesn't want to go, please do not force him. I tried to force my son to spend time with his dad when he was with ow and my son hated it and was so angry every time he came home that it just became obvious that it was doing more harm.

Now, you know what I'm going to say about this date right? If you feel the slightest uncomfortable about it then you aren't ready to do this. Dating too soon can set you back months on your recovery. Don't say 'it's just dinner', because it isn't. No matter how many times you tell yourself it's just dinner with an interesting person it is still a date that comes with lots of stress.

Please be careful with your fragile heart and head. Don't force yourself into a situation that makes you uncomfortable just because you think you should. OK?