WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

A good day I guess. Morning started out with a call from W while I was out for my run. I answered since it's unusual to get a call at 6:30 in the morning. S was feeling ill but we mutually decided to send him to school.

Around noon W texts me that she's ready whenever to go birthday shopping for S. I have to admit I was nervous as hell. This is the first time W and I have done something together, without the kids, in... well, a really long time. Maybe since we went to dinner the day after the bomb? So yes, I was very nervous. How would it go? What would we talk about? Can I actually "act as if" the whole time? So I text her back that I'll be over in 20-30 minutes and had her wait the full 30.

I pick her up and we head out. She asks if I've eaten lunch yet and I hadn't so she suggests we go out for lunch before shopping. Sure. It's funny... I really have no expectations. So really it was pretty easy. I know her, I know what makes her laugh and what her interests are. It wasn't a date... but it's like going on a first date almost with someone who you have this whole dossier worked up on. It felt strange.

Anyway, it wasn't a date, just two friends or a mom and a dad having lunch, whatever you want to call it. Afterward we went shopping. We had a fun time. Again, it was easier due to the lack of expectations. I haven't felt that free around my W in so long. I didn't fret about her being happy or unhappy, I was just me. We teased each other like we used to do. Made some inside jokes and shared some memories.

My S wants a remote control tarantula for his birthday. My W hates spiders and is deathly afraid of them. She's told my S that he can have the spider but it stays at my house. I told her that's fine. She didn't believe me. She kept joking that I'd find a way to sneak it back to her house. I told her I just might... she tells me she better not... I reply, or what? You're going to divorce me? not have sex anymore? Oh wait...

She smiled and laughed... good point she says... guess I'll expect to see a large hairy spider in my house and we both laughed.

But I realized at that point how much control I've let her have over the years, both in the fear that if I didn't make her absolutely happy she would either not have sex with me or she would divorce me. With both of those essentially on the table I was free to be me.

We got back and I went and picked up S from school. Tonight was very quiet as S seemed fine but completely passed out tonight. He fell asleep before dinner and never woke up. I finally had to carry him up to his bedroom and he slept through the whole thing. Poor little guy.

W has texted and called a few times tonight to check on S. I guess I'll put today in the "good" column. W suggested we should do this again for SD's birthday and I agreed. She then suggested we should do this for Christmas too... then she backtracked as she's afraid there will be too much disparity between what I have to spend at Christmas and what she does. I told her let's just take it a day at a time and see where things are come Christmas-time.

I exercised again this morning and felt pretty good most of the day. It was a work from home day so those are hard still. I also spent some time today going through photos for a class project S has and to get photos to decorate my walls. That was pretty hard. Lots of happy times, vacations, pics of W and I at happier moments. I let myself feel it but tried not to dwell.