wow, it's been a week since I posted. I feel like I'm close, yet so far a way. I feel like I'm still making positive steps, but still don't have any 100% assurances.
Work has been hectic, last Wednesday I worked late and went over to her place to see her and my d for a little bit.
Last Sunday she was late picking up my d. She and a few of her girlfriends went to Mohegan Sun, for a spa day. She was late because one of them got sick, or something. Anyway, I had fixed some soup and cornbread prior to her getting there, and she spent about an hour at the house, eating and waiting for me to give my d a bath and dry her hair. We did this because it was 7Pm by the time she arrived to pickup my d, and it would be easier for her to have a bath at the house and get her jammies on before driving over to the rental house, to put her to bed there.
When my w arrived, she had some Krispy Kreme donuts for me. It was a nice thought, which I appreciated. She ate the food I made, but gave me a little criticism on my corn-bread. I shouldn't have added the sauteed onions--It augmented a jalapeno cornbread recipe, and added one too many an ingredient. I didn't do the jalapenos, because I wanted my d to eat the cornbread too. Well she didn't so, I guess I should have went all the way with the recipe.
I emailed my w yesterday, asking if she had her w2 (we still have taxes to do.), I offered to swing by and pick it up and see my d again. I threw a line in there about not needing to do that if she felt it would be disruptive, or whatever. After I sent the email, I regretted asking to swing by--because I feel like I haven't been doing a great job of doing the LRT. I guess I feel like she's more open to me now, and I want to interact with her more. We're still not talking about us--but she's talking more about her work, and some of the things she's been doing. It's still nowhere near where we were when things are good, but I'm being thankful for every small step.
When I got there, she had dinner fixed already, and I sat down to have dinner with the two of them. My w made meat spaghetti, so I had some. It was good, but since I've tried to mainly eat non-animal products, eating meat gives me a headache afterwards--sort of weird.
One concerning thing that might indicate she doesn't want to get back together was she mentioned wanting to switch my daughter's daycare because it was inconvenient for her to go to now that she lives very close to her work. Perhaps that means she's already made plans to stay somewhere else, out of the house.
But I made her laugh on Sunday night, and crack a smile a little bit on Tuesday night--so maybe I'm doing pretty well. I have to think that I am. Like Michelle says, why not give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. I just need to maintain my patience.
My plan is to ask her to move back in at the beginning of May--a month before her winter lease is up. I feel I should talk with my coach about that, because it's a big request.
I've been not doing so great at getting a life, because my job has gotten a lot more stressful, and I've been trying to work hard enough to keep it. There are so many excuses I can rest on during good times, why not to look for a job. Fighting for my marraige provides another excellent reason to stay put. Why? I guess because I'd like to figure out what my life's trajectory will be before I look for something else. I guess that's a cop out. All I know, if my wife goes through and files for a div., I want to get a job where I don't have to work weekends anymore, or nights. I want to be available for weekends I have my daughter.
Yesterday I spoke with my Grandparents too. I asked them to pray for us. I'm still thinking of emailing my aunts and uncles to pray for us too, I'm just still reticent to do that, because I don't want anyone going back to my w and saying anything to her about our separation. I know they themselves wont, but if the information leaks out to my cousins, who are much more connected with her on FB, perhaps it'll get back to her that I'm still trying.
Honestly, I would think she knows that I still love her, and I still care a great deal about her, and would do anything for her. I'm still just waiting for her to open up, and say she wants to talk about us--or say something positive about us. I know, I need to be patient.
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
