Separated but maintaining hope

[Elmo]

wow, it's been a week since I posted. I feel like I'm close, yet so far a way. I feel like I'm still making positive steps, but still don't have any 100% assurances.

Work has been hectic, last Wednesday I worked late and went over to her place to see her and my d for a little bit.

Last Sunday she was late picking up my d. She and a few of her girlfriends went to Mohegan Sun, for a spa day. She was late because one of them got sick, or something. Anyway, I had fixed some soup and cornbread prior to her getting there, and she spent about an hour at the house, eating and waiting for me to give my d a bath and dry her hair. We did this because it was 7Pm by the time she arrived to pickup my d, and it would be easier for her to have a bath at the house and get her jammies on before driving over to the rental house, to put her to bed there.

When my w arrived, she had some Krispy Kreme donuts for me. It was a nice thought, which I appreciated. She ate the food I made, but gave me a little criticism on my corn-bread. I shouldn't have added the sauteed onions--It augmented a jalapeno cornbread recipe, and added one too many an ingredient. I didn't do the jalapenos, because I wanted my d to eat the cornbread too. Well she didn't so, I guess I should have went all the way with the recipe.

I emailed my w yesterday, asking if she had her w2 (we still have taxes to do.), I offered to swing by and pick it up and see my d again. I threw a line in there about not needing to do that if she felt it would be disruptive, or whatever. After I sent the email, I regretted asking to swing by--because I feel like I haven't been doing a great job of doing the LRT. I guess I feel like she's more open to me now, and I want to interact with her more. We're still not talking about us--but she's talking more about her work, and some of the things she's been doing. It's still nowhere near where we were when things are good, but I'm being thankful for every small step.

When I got there, she had dinner fixed already, and I sat down to have dinner with the two of them. My w made meat spaghetti, so I had some. It was good, but since I've tried to mainly eat non-animal products, eating meat gives me a headache afterwards--sort of weird.

One concerning thing that might indicate she doesn't want to get back together was she mentioned wanting to switch my daughter's daycare because it was inconvenient for her to go to now that she lives very close to her work. Perhaps that means she's already made plans to stay somewhere else, out of the house.

But I made her laugh on Sunday night, and crack a smile a little bit on Tuesday night--so maybe I'm doing pretty well. I have to think that I am. Like Michelle says, why not give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. I just need to maintain my patience.

My plan is to ask her to move back in at the beginning of May--a month before her winter lease is up. I feel I should talk with my coach about that, because it's a big request.

I've been not doing so great at getting a life, because my job has gotten a lot more stressful, and I've been trying to work hard enough to keep it. There are so many excuses I can rest on during good times, why not to look for a job. Fighting for my marraige provides another excellent reason to stay put. Why? I guess because I'd like to figure out what my life's trajectory will be before I look for something else. I guess that's a cop out. All I know, if my wife goes through and files for a div., I want to get a job where I don't have to work weekends anymore, or nights. I want to be available for weekends I have my daughter.

Yesterday I spoke with my Grandparents too. I asked them to pray for us. I'm still thinking of emailing my aunts and uncles to pray for us too, I'm just still reticent to do that, because I don't want anyone going back to my w and saying anything to her about our separation. I know they themselves wont, but if the information leaks out to my cousins, who are much more connected with her on FB, perhaps it'll get back to her that I'm still trying.

Honestly, I would think she knows that I still love her, and I still care a great deal about her, and would do anything for her. I'm still just waiting for her to open up, and say she wants to talk about us--or say something positive about us. I know, I need to be patient.

[labug]

, I would think she knows that I still love her,

She knows. But I'm sure it makes her uncomfortable right now.

Let her be.

I'm still just waiting for her to open up, and say she wants to talk about us--or say something positive about us.

Lots of expectations there.

Again, let her be. She is on a journey different from yours. Respect her choice, allow her to move forward.

[sayitaintso]

What's going on Elmo? Any updates? Just read your your threads and you seem to be having similar issues that I have.

It seems we start to connect a little bit and then we want more and when we don't get it we become saddened and dissapointed.

This is one tough and long road. My WAW has been out of the house for about 8 months and recently told me she wants to D. I'm not giving up yet because I love her dearly and I want to have an opportunity to show her and my kids what a great husband I can be.

I know I can show this to someone else but I'm hopeful that it is with her.

Keep Posting and Best of Luck!!

[Elmo]

Thanks Say.

Yeah, I've been really busy at work. Haven't had as much time to post.

It is a hard road. But it can be life changing for the better. I've just tried to continue being calm, patient, and up-beat. Trying not to chase, or talk about the relationship.

Thanks for reading my posts. I'm sorry to hear about her saying she wants a divorce. Have you read DR? I think that's a better book than the first one--more up to date, and has more stuff in it for those who are separated.

On the bright side, saying you want a d, is a whole lot different than going down and filing for a d? So don't give up hope. What sort of techniques have you been trying?

I find that kids are a big help, because they do provide an unseverable link between the two of you--that's why d is so friggin' stupid (spare physical or mental abuse, and drugs, alcohol, etc.) becaus you really can't get away from the other person, because you have kids togther.

OK, enough soap-boxing for one Friday afternoon.

So funny--wife just called me as I wrote this post. It was a really good conversation. So much of this stuff is "energy and feeling" almost outside of words. Her energy seemed good, and I could hear respect and warmth in her voice, if not love--

Just remember Anger is the enemy, Love is the only answer.

[Elmo]

Just came across a book by Gary Smalley, entitled: Winning your wife back before it's too late. Wonder if anyone has read it, and if it's good.

[hopingandpraying]

I started reading "Winning your husband back..." Have not really gotten into to it too much, but I find that almost any book that gives me some kind of guidance can't be bad??

[Elmo]

I agree Stephanie. I went ahead and bought it anyway.

[Elmo]

Case of the Mondays today. Last couple of Mondays, I've been coming home, feeling absolutely destitute. I was going to go to a Yoga class tonight, but missed the turn, and just kept going--kinda sad. Anyway, when I got home, I went for a walk in the nice weather, I kept going past places in my town, and remembered the fun had there with my wife and daughter.

My wife cancelled the Amex Card in my name--I guess it wasn't a big deal, since I wasn't using the card anyway. But it just felt like one more thing for her to sever.

We are however, having dinner over at her place tomorrow. I called her briefly tonight, she didn't have a good day either--I over taxed her by asking her once to many times what I should bring. She said, "Honestly, I don't want to do dinner tomorrow night, but it's fine. I've had a rough day, and don't really feel like making decisions right now, blah, blah, blah." I let her go after that. My d sounded good. She spoke to me briefly about the vegetables she had been eating, etc.

I still feel like I'm making progress, but I was a little saddened by what she said. Perhaps it was just bad timing. I called them during dinner.

I need to get a life I guess, but you know--and this I think is really true--It's not as easy to get a life once you're separated. The finances are much tighter. Going to a Yoga class costs $15.00 and that would go a ways on my food bill. I've been living pretty much pay-check to pay-check--blah blah. It's a lot of excuses I know. But honestly, what am I supposed to do on a Monday night?

[Elmo]

So Monday's case of the Monday's drug into Tuesday morning, but I was feeling better by noon. I've been staying productive at work even though I don't like my job. I've recommitted to finding something better.

We had dinner tonight again. About the same as last week, but my wife and I talked about a local news item--there was a shooting in town, and we were discussing it in front of my d. by spelling out the word shooting. It was kind of cute the way we were discussing it. obviously, it would have been better to havd different subject matter, but so be it.

I wonder if it's possible for her to use subtle tests on me. Maybe that's what the cancelling of that credit card was about--I don't know if anyone has ever experienced subtle testing.

Again, we talked about our house, and how she'd like us to get it on the market by the end of April, or as soon as possible. I don't know what that's about--I guess I would like to sell the house too. Perhaps I should ask her though, why she wants to sell it so quickly.

I wanted to ask her about when her lease is up, but didn't. I think I'll wait two more weeks to do that.

I was more relaxed tonight, and I think I was being funnier because of it, I think she was fighting back some laughs a little--but she's still guarding herself.

I got to her place, just when they got home, and she was seemingly overburdened, with lunch boxes, purses, etc. etc.

I offered to help her take a few of the bags, I had an empty hand, but she refused--I offered a second time, and she refused again---I didn't go for a third offer, and she seemed to manage it ok.

She get's cranky when she's hungry, so that may have been part of it. after dinner, she lightened up a little bit. So overall it was a good night.

I'm going to ask to have dinner maybe next Tuesday...maybe we can make it a little tradition. I apologized for my calling her last night, acknowledging that it was a bad time. She said it was definitely a bad time, but didn't say much other than that.

She did tell me however that she'd gotten a promotion at work. I congratulated her, but she said it was not really a big deal, and it seemed to come with a lot of extra stress.

Tonight I got home, I sat and meditated for about five minutes, I was just using positive visualization to imagine her coming back home, to imagine her hugging me. To imagine her saying she still loves me and that she wants to make it work. I'm taking any negative thoughts that come up and am visualizing just throwing them in a big bonfire.

I'm still very optimistic that this will work--just staying positively focused is key.

[Elmo]

So I'm trying to think of a next step.

1. ask her out to lunch? (is that chasing?). My excuse would be to talk about saving for our daughter's college. The problem with that subject, though is that it depends too much on the future.

2. There is a running club that meets on one night during the week. I've been thinking of asking her to go with me on one of those runs.

3. I was even thinking of asking her to go see a movie. No dinner, just a movie--because we haven't been talking a huge amount lately, but it's getting there.

I need to be careful here, I don't want to over-step things.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.