I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends

[workinghardguy]

She has not changed her feelings (it has been a week).

Dude... get ready for some serious delayed gratification.

A week? That's barely enough time to dislike you only a tiny little bit more than she does now.

I've been on this rodeo since September of last year. That's still nothing compared to some. This is going to go on and on, accept that now. Life will get better, a little at least, once you do.

I know what your life is like right now. You are examining and re-examining every piece of information, comment, or item your W says or does. You look for clues. What is she thinking? What is she doing? Does this mean a change of heart? What about this? What about that?

Stop it. You will drive yourself crazy. I drove myself crazy. I did all of what you're doing. I could barely function. I would check phone records. I'd track internet activity. I'd mope, cry, howl, plead, beg. I broke into her Facebook account to read her messages. More because I wanted to connect with her somehow than anything else.

In the end... it just drove me crazy and drove her away faster.

Then the folks on this board told me to knock it off. Oldtimer challenged me more than I care to count and I usually didn't listen. But when I did life got better.

You will hear this often and it will take a while to understand it, but detach. Now. Start now. It will be hard. You love her. You love your family. You love having a family and having a wife. The idea of not having a family or a wife is hard. It's embarrassing, it's emasculating. There's shame, or feelings of shame, in having your family fall apart. Admit, deal with it, face it for what it is.

If you're not seeing a counselor go do that. You need someone safe to talk to. Someone you can pour your heart out to, cry to, lament to, and hear you out. YOUR W CANNOT BE THAT PERSON.

You may lose your house. You may lose your car. Those are material things that can be replaced. You can downsize. You can be foreclosed on and survive. Lord knows that's nothing new in America today. You won't lose your kids if you do this right. You may lose your W but you may get her back eventually.

But there are no guarantees on the last piece. None. Sorry. Every so often you will hear someone lament and plead that DBing doesn't work. They're right. There's no promise that it works. But what's the alternative? To be this pleading, moping, depressed, sad sack... who wants to go back to that? Or to be this angry, emotional, out of control, aggressive/abusive jerk? Who wants their kids to be around that?

Tomorrow marks six months since my bomb, which was delivered the day before our anniversary. When my bomb was dropped she was going to be out by November. She moved out in February. We never talked. It was dark and cold in my house. No words, no comments, just anger. Today my W and I had lunch together and spent three hours shopping for birthday presents for our S. This does not mean we're together or anywhere close. But it does mean we can at least get along, communicate, and co-parent. Db hasn't saved my marriage (yet) but it has saved some semblance of an R with my W. And considering we have S together and a SS and SD in the middle of this that is something of great value to me.

You are scared how this will affect your kids. That's reasonable. I was and am too for my kids. I hate the pain it's brought them. But understand that they will look to you to understand how to process this. What do you want them to see? Suffering or strength?

Lastly... you are in control of all of this. I know right now it doesn't feel like that. It feels like the world is spinning away from you. Like you're playing a game but no one will tell you how time is left on the shot clock. It suxx.

But that's all an illusion. Divorces happen. Reconciliations happen too. Your marriage was a piece of paper that created a legal condition. A divorce is the same thing. Neither of them mean a darn thing when it comes to DBing. You are in control because you can keep working on this as long as you want to. When you're ready to be done, then you're done.

Two quotes that have helped me throughout my sitch...
"Women are attracted to men who control their emotions, not to those controlled by their emotions."

"Today is not the day I give up. Tomorrow may be that day... but today is not it."

You CAN do this. You CAN put up with the pain. You CAN thrive. You CAN change yourself. It will be hard but you can do it.

In the end it may or may not be enough to bring your W back. But it will be enough to make a better dad and a better you. That's worth more than a M anyway. You can always get another M if you want to... you only get one you.