When it's a one-way street...part 4

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Also from "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" -- worst emotion for a man is shame. It causes a chemical reaction in the brain which makes us feel physically uncomfortable. It's a "fight or flight" trigger that says "something isn't going well here, change your circumstance" and that's what leads to the withdrawal. It's more instinctual than conscious.

If H believes you are going to shame him he will just stop trying, withdraw, and avoid any circumstance which could possibly lead to him being shamed, because it makes him physically uncomfortable to be in that position -- not just emotionally uncomfortable, physically.

If I were to summarize that book in one sentence it would be "shaming is a major no-no if you want good behavior for your H"

The "I wish you would be ..." generally provokes the opposite behavior that you want. I'm sure you know this stuff.

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