We've had joint accounts since well before we got married, so H never learned how to be financially responsible. His income doesn't support the lifestyle that he'd like to lead. Money has been a sore subject for us for a long time. I let him go on his spending spree since the bomb without saying a word, but there will be a time where enough is enough. If he wants to continue to buy toys for himself, then he can do so with any 'leftover' money after the bills have been paid.
I'm living this too. It's one thing to protect your finances for you and S, when doing so might lead to more distance w/ H. You have to do it anyway, but in a quiet, firm, non-combative way. Look at me giving you advice on this though. I enabled this pattern myself for 20+ yrs, yet in a way that qualifies me to speak on its down side if not checked.
I know I'm making it sound like his crisis is about me, that I'm the victim and he needs to change things so that I can move on. I'm getting to a point where I'm tired of being a "servant" to him, being the accountant, cook, cleaning lady, childcare provider and other stuff. He wants to come and go as he pleases, goes to soccer a couple of times a week, goes to bars and whatever other places while I'm expected to stay home and care for S4. He used to pitch in and help out in most of these things, but now I'm left to sit back and do all this work (on top of working full time), watch him act like an irresponsible teenager, and act like I'm ok with it all. It's not easy to do and I'm feeling very worn out.
NH I'm really sorry, and FWIW I'm living it too and feeling your pain. One thing though, remember that link to that sarcastic article about MLC? Isn't it odd how it fit so many people's sitches on this board. I think that means that what we are dealing with is not just our sitch alone but some sort of bizarre human trait that is maybe a mixture of our biology, human and social characteristics.
I wanted to say to you that when you say things to him like "yes, I was this negative thing in the M" when in discussion I feel like it just fuels his distance and flight. Maybe if you say it more like that you recognize something in you that you have grown beyond and now see it as such and such better way. Not that this will have any immediate affect either. It might but be prepared for it feeling like it went through his ears.
H keeps asking the same questions over and over. He's looking for me for answers, not just validation, but answers about why "I" let him down. I've been answering as I go, but he's not listening. He's been saying how out of character "I" have been and pushed him away, that I'm the one who failed him and I'm the one who's responsible for all of it. If this keeps going for a long time, there might be a point where I will just start believing that. I know that you should believe what the WAS says, but after you've heard it so many times, it might start to distort the reality a bit.
Don't believe it NH, or I will drive up there and reprimand you! That's all you need right, another guy giving you shitt? You know he's got to villianize you to make his story work. Eventually, when you provide no fuel for his fire, he'll flame out, and maybe start to look inward.
We don't really spend any time together. Our interactions are usually around S4, and after S4 is in bed, H is either gone or on his iPad.
At least he's starting to come around and act more interested in S4. For so many weeks he was so angry and impatient, constantly yelling at S4. Though his impatience is still there to a degree, at least he's making more of an effort to give S4 hugs. One time last week he even offered to read to S4 before bed.
