My wife has been having an affair for nearly a year. A couple months ago, she finally decided to leave him, but after a week changed her mind and now is certain she wants a divorce. We have three children, 7, 9, and 10. Married for 11 years. There is so much that is pertinent; I don't know where to start. I've read most of DB and MR, so I'll start with the here-and-now (although some history is always necessary). She is completely inside of her affair, so I don't really have much leverage. We are still very civil. In fact, I am afraid to employ the Last Resort Strategy since I have not been begging and crying and pursuing (not much) and my not pursuing her over the course of our marriage is a source of pain for her. We are going to try birds nest custody (kids stay put, we take turns living with them for 2 weeks), but at the end of the school year we are talking about moving "back home" for more family support (and of course, that's where her OM lives). I don't know if I can get a job there, definitely not as high paying. I already don't make enough to support more than one household. She is a homemaker. My thinking has been all over: I'll just wait it out and work on me and secure my place in the kids lives; I'll let her do what she wants to do; I've hurt her so much, if I love her why would I want her to be with me?; I'm just being a doormat, I need to show her strength and fight for my kids...etc. So, one of our big "issues" has been my use of porn. I have always tried not to and been apologetic and even sought treatment as an addict. But I've always trivialized it to a point (since it never advanced to prostitutes or affairs, etc.). But it is time for that to change. That behavior is symptomatic of some parts of my personality that I need to change. Well, whether it is too little or too late for my marriage, I am done. I will do whatever I have to do to get better. Now, I'm not justifying her affair (and she is trying not to as well), but that is her choice. Obviously it is not my choice to make for her. My choices are: I choose to be the best man I can be. I choose to be committed to my wife. I choose to be committed to my children. But then uncertainty sets in: Do I choose to encourage the process towards moving? I truly think being there will be good for the kids. But what if I can't get a job there? Do I try a bold stand to keep the kids here? That will probably end in her hating me?
