Thanks. I don't really know if W is deliberately "pushing my buttons." Her tears seem too sincere when she talks about how hurt she is, and I have no signals that she actually wants to end M.
But the rest of the stuff you said was spot on. I have been told to do that before, but some things got in the way. First, one of the features of Asperger's is that a person has difficulty recognizing their own emotions, so you can see how that would make things difficult. Secondly, I was impatient. Partly it's my own impatience, wanting to find a solution that would work right away, but it was also my situation. By the time I started looking for a solution, things had already gotten pretty bad, and W had gotten skittish about approaching me for any serious conversations, so I didn't get many opportunities to practice my skill of recognizing my "warning signs." And, since learning a skill like that is something of a trial and error process, I was bound to fail the first few times. The problem was that each time I failed, W would wait longer before I would ever get a chance again - and each time I failed, she would feel more profoundly hurt, causing what I now see to have been crushing damage to our relationship. So, even when I did try to work on myself, it just wasn't enough.
Now I am sleeping on an air mattress on the basement floor, where it just barely fits between the desk and the furnace. W doesn't talk to me, and has said explicitly that she doesn't want me to talk to her except minimal functional communication, and that only when others are present. But, oddly enough, all this actually has some upsides. At least, with no demands to maintain a relationship, I have some extra space to take the time to work on myself - to try to learn my "warning signs" for loss of control. I don't have much to make me angry such that I would get a chance to observe these, but I can reflect, learn more about myself, and try to get a better sense of myself, so maybe I will be more secure if we ever come back together. Otherwise, I guess it's not a waste of time to just try to be a better person.
I appreciate your sharing - and I'm so sorry to hear what H did to you (read in your signature). Sometimes it makes me so angry to hear that guys will throw away a R with a W who loves them and wants to try to make it work, when I would be heart-rendingly grateful to just have another chance with my W. Like a starving child looking at others thowing away food. I'd just like to smack him upside the head and tell him what he's throwing away.
OK, I'm done ranting. Thanks again.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
