MC says to call it quits

[Accuray]

Good stuff Crazyville. By stepping back I've gotten the opportunity to observe where W sets the bar in the relationship. She doesn't want no hugging or no kissing at all, she just wants less than I would. She wants a little. She's comfortable when she believes that nothing is expected of her.

I think I often give the impression that she's fairly cold and heartless. That's not true, she doesn't treat me badly. She does care for me, and does want me to be happy -- I believe that. She's also stubborn, sad, proud, and unwilling to change.

When I originally got the bomb, what I interpreted for myself is that I hadn't been a good enough husband. Many of the things I did to address that would look like the right things to do on paper, but were the wrong things in this circumstance given who W was.

When I do things for her and she hasn't been doing anything for me, it makes her feel badly. I can see that. That doesn't make her try to reciprocate because she thinks she can't compete, instead, she just feels badly. When my efforts didn't seem to be making things any better, I would get sad and frustrated.

So in answer to your question, "being a good husband" has a certain meaning to me. "Being a good husband to my wife" has a different set of requirements because of who my wife is. My second IC told me that I would be considered a "dream husband" by most women because of the way I communicate, my self-confidence, happiness, etc. That reinforced for me that I should pursue my own "good husband MAP". That was wrong according to my W's needs.

During this adjustment phase, being a good husband to my wife doesn't feel like being a good husband according to my definition. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm not doing the best I can do in the relationship, and therefore I don't feel good about my efforts. I feel like I'm playing a game versus just living.

I do feel I've gone above and beyond. I feel good about that. Right now I'm spinning a bit, I'm outside of my comfort zone and outside of what I know. That's making me feel badly.

According to "The Solo Partner", when you change things up, the change will make you feel worse just because things are different. It says that you will often get along with your spouse worse than you did before you enacted the change.

The will often lead you to conclude that your changes are causing more problems and you therefore revert to your prior behavior. I've been tempted to do this, but because I now have the knowledge, I'm gritting my teeth and trying really hard to get through what I'm viewing as a transition period to see what comes out on the other side.

Honestly, some days I feel really good. Other days I feel tortured, those are usually the days I post here. I'm feeling really badly today.

But would you BE a better H with someone that let you express yourself freely? Does your withholding due to the pursuer/distancer dance you're forced into make you less of a good H?

That's a "grass is greener" perspective I've chosen not to take. Have I been thinking about leaving? Yes. I'm trying to get into the best shape I can get into for two reasons -- to help with how I feel about myself in the current R, and secondly that if it doesn't work out I'm positioned the best I can be to find something new.

That said, I have a lot of fears related to leaving -- welfare of the kids, financial concerns, lifestyle, loneliness, etc. etc. I have also embraced the following:

-- We are attracted to people who "abuse us" in patterns we are familiar and comfortable with
-- We train others how to treat us
-- Our relationships are a reflection of who we are in many ways

Therefore, I'm not confident that my situation would be wildly better with someone new. Many of the same challenges would probably resurface, the old ones with W wouldn't go away because she'll still be in my life, and whatever new woman I were to get involved with would probably contribute some new issues of her own.

Therefore, I don't think leaving is the answer until such time as I have grown beyond seeking the same patterns of abuse and have gotten to a place where I'm not going to be responsible for the same issues in the future that I have been responsible for in the past.

I do realize that in many ways "it's all about me", and that's why I don't think that leaving in the answer right now.

What's tough is that I don't feel safe in this relationship when I take my foot off the gas because I got cheated on. Although low effort and higher distance may be what W wants, that feels to me like driving along the edge of a cliff without a guardrail. That will most likely get better. I think I'm doing very well in terms of not snooping, and not worrying about what W is doing on her business trips, etc. If she wants to cheat on me again, go for it. If I find out, I'm done. There's solace in that, in some ways it would be a relief.

Accuray