One of my best learnings through this is that I am good enough, and it's my job to convince myself of that. It's not W's job to tell me that I'm worthy or show me that I'm worthy, it's my job to BE worthy, and at that point I don't care if W appreciates that or not.
"BE" is a verb and therefore an action word. I believe you can choose to be "worthy" just like you can choose to be "happy," and do so in spite of your circumstances. At the same time, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your circumstances to match what you've chosen to be. ie. you can BE happy, but skiing sure contributes to that in a nice way. So part of choosing to BE happy, would include choosing to DO things that contribute to that. ie. going skiing instead of sitting in a dark corner hitting your thumb repeatedly with a hammer.
So, let's say you want to BE a good H, which I believe you do. By definition, a H is a complementary relationship to a W, it's not just a standalone like be happy or be worthy, so you can't just BE a good H unless there's also a W. And say your definition of being a good H includes DOING things that a good H would do, which I believe it does.
How do you address that desire to be a good H when your W does not facilitate? Forgetting the fact that she doesn't appreciate it, but that she completely rejects it in some ways (eg. kissing, hugging.) Of course, there are many other aspects to being a good H, such as fidelity, financial support, handyman stuff, etc., I'm not trying to discount those.
But would you BE a better H with someone that let you express yourself freely? Does your withholding due to the pursuer/distancer dance you're forced into make you less of a good H? Or perhaps it makes you an even better H because you're going so far above and beyond.
Is your perspective of your being a good H changed because of your circumstances?
