Thank you for your kind post. You're so right, this all falls under the catagory of trust. I just wish I had had a little more time to collect some more of that good stuff. Oh well, could be worse...right?
His old workplace (or as I now refer to it - ELM STREET - as in NIGHTMARE) was a slumbering beast up until last night. Well this morning it yawned, and boy does it ever reek of morning breath.
Quote: Give him the freedom to do what he needs to do and he will love you all the more for it.
Jeannine, I wish I could come up with some great advice, but I really can't think of any. Only, if things feel right between you and your H, then you will just have to go along and trust he will do the right thing.
Wish I could be of more help!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
This is a definately a rough situation. Very likely, your H probably thinks like Wolfie does---that what happened before is a closed chapter. They would just as soon keep it closed and not revisit it. Wolfie has worked with XOW all of this time since the bomb. He doesn't work closely with her, and states that he simply ignores her and that's that--no problem. He doesn't really comprehend why it makes me feel the way I do about it!
For us, the choice was financial. A different job would mean a substantial decrease in his pay for awhile. He's going back to school part-time in the spring, working toward a degree that will give him more options. Until then...we are STILL on ELM STREET.
Yesterday he told me that his work is sending him on a training for a week, along with one other nurse (a female one). I immediately wanted to go into: "which one is she? Have I met her? Is she married? How old is she?" and so on.....yuck!
This is a very sensitive subject you are facing. Is there a way you can gently open up the subject in such a way that you can ask him to be at least empathetic to your feelings about the subject? A lot of the terror your feeling right now, has probably not really occurred to him.
Just taking the time to let me know that you are here and that you care, brings me comfort.
Tal,
Quote: Very likely, your H probably thinks like Wolfie does---that what happened before is a closed chapter. > He doesn't really comprehend why it makes me feel the way I do about it!
Yea, I think that is the situation here.
Quote: he told me that his work is sending him on a training for a week, along with one other nurse (a female one). I immediately wanted to go into: "which one is she? Have I met her? Is she married? How old is she?" and so on.....yuck!
Yuck indeed. You're a stronger woman than me, because I'm quite sure I'd end up asking at least 10 of those 4 questions.
I'm in "do nothing" mode. There hasn't been enough time for me to get a handle on this new development, so I'll just have to wait and watch for a chink in the wall to appear.
I found it interesting that although your H seems flattered (I KNOW CJ would be if his old place called him back...he still checks their website to see what they are doing with IT, his old job)...he DIDN'T just jump at the chance to go back there...he wants to wait, compare, think on it.
Part of his decision should IMHO include how it might affect you, and what he can do to reassure you should he go back there.
I love it! It yawned and it had morning breath!! Yes, it stinks at best. He's been so attentive and loving, but for some reason these guys think that we can have select memory about this stuff.
They just want it to all go away. Well, if THEY want that, think how much more WE want it! Unfortunately it must be dealt with. Also ufortunately, alot of it we must deal with it alone. That stinks too!
Quote: Part of his decision should IMHO include how it might affect you, and what he can do to reassure you should he go back there.
Well, I was just about to post back about how my H was not the type to engage in such a dialogue. Sometimes, it feels good to be wrong. And this is one of those times.
Just as I was about to hit 'post', my H walked up to me (after speaking with our friend) and relayed the latest update on how eager the lab was to hire him back.
Later in the conversation, he said that he knew I was concerned about his returning to work there, and then reassured me that I need not worry. He then went on to list the benefits for us should he work there again - as in higher income. H used the words "us" and "we" liberally throughout.
He said that "if" he went back, it would be on "his" terms - no more flat salary, no more extended hours, and that he'd be getting home by 5pm each day, etc.
Now, having just read your suggestion (and others here) that he include my feelings and give reassurances, I decided to step over the line and broach THE topic.
I let him know that regarding his reemployment, I want to be included in the decision-making - he readily agreed.
I asked him about whether I would be included in any after work activities and told him how much it had hurt me to be excluded - he said that he understood and not only would I be included in any after work get-togethers, but that we'd also spend some of his lunch breaks together.
I asked if OW was still working there - he said probably. He assured me that NOTHING would happen with her. Absolutely nothing.
I asked him if he would inform her that he's back with his wife - for good - and would he do whatever it takes to discourage her from further pursuit. He informed me that I could count on it.
He then went on to tell me that she probably already knows that we're back together because he had previously told a number of friends about his turn around and "news gets around". I asked him who, specifically, he had told, and he replied "Well, John for one". (John is one of our closest friends, the one I keep referring to.) I asked him what he had said - and this is what he told me. "I told him that I'm happy with my life now; I love my wife; that I'm going to stay where I am; and that it doesn't make any sense for me to go else where and start over when I have want I right here".
The dynamite was planted.
I was fixated at this point and felt a quake gathering deep inside. "You told him that?", I asked as my face started bunching.
The fuse was lit.
"Sure".
Kaboom! The dam had burst.
I heard my H "Ooooohhh" as he walked over. He wrapped me in his arms and gave me his shoulder to cry into. In between sobs I muttered, "I needed to hear that".
I later went up to him and hugging him said, "I trust you". sniffle...sniffle “And that makes all the difference in the world."
I think he needed to hear those words, because he looked, well... pleased .
I'm sorry to say I'm lagging behind on this thread, but I just read today's entry and I can't stop from ear to ear!
Quote: "I told him that I'm happy with my life now; I love my wife; that I'm going to stay where I am; and that it doesn't make any sense for me to go else where and start over when I have want I right here".
The End ... at least to the success story of how a Divorce has been busted!
... and it sounds like your well on your way to writing a grander story that ends up with ... they lived happily ever after!
'til later, KAW
P.S. I'm wanna try to back and fill in the blanks ...
He assured me that NOTHING would happen with her. 
Absolutely nothing. 
from ear to ear! 