Well a lot has happened. My FIL was diagnosed with colon cancer and he had surgery last week. My w seems to be warming up to me. Then Last night my W tells me that she wants to replace the kitchen cabinets. My w then states that she will be calling a real estate agent to sell the house. I told my w that I agree we can fix up the house but I don't want to sell the house. My w stated that she can not live like this anymore. I stated I agree I want a different R. My w was visibly upset I asked her do you want me to leave the kitchen. My w was agitated with me there. My w stated that she did not want me to leave and that we needed to talk.
My w told me that every thing I do in the house aggravates her. From washing the dishes to cooking dinner. I again asked should I leave the kitchen. I don't want u to feel like that in your own home. My w asked me do u think I hate u. I said it kind of looks like that to me. My w asked why do u stay when I am like this. U must hate me. I said in all honesty I am trying to understand u. I still care for u and this past year. I don't hate u. I do hate some of your actions. I made a commitment to u and I will honor that commitment.
I asked my w since we both want out of this limbo state why don't we go to mediation. My w said no she does not want to involve anyone else. Funny how she said that a year ago and went and got a lawyer.(I digress)
I asked her if there was someone else. My w stated no. I asked could u be happier with someone else? My said yes. Would our kids be happier? My w teared up and said that it is not fair to bring up the kids. My w said that I use them. I told my w that I am thinking of them first. That is why I don't want to sell the house. I see how happy they are with u and me living under the same roof. My w stated that she loves to see the kids happy with their dad. My w said that she does not want to take the kids away from me. I said that if we sell the house we both will see the kids half the time. I don't want that and I know u do not want that. Can u honestly tell me how u feel so that we can work this out. I do want u to feel better and I do want u to be happy. I want the kids to be happy. My w stated that this is still going on too long. she feels that she needs to do something to end it. My w still feels that she wants a D.
My d wanted to dance with me so I had to end the talk. To be continued.
H 37 W 38 M 11 T 18 D 4 S 10 Bomb 27/11/2010 Separated still living in the same house 1/1/2012 No D Papers No Separation Papers
It's been awhile, so I'd have to go back and read some of your old posts, but I your update just jumped out at me.
I can GUARANTEE you that your wife sees you as SUFFOCATING her right now. Your "do you want me to leave the kitchen?" and doing all the household chores, and "I made a commitment to you and I will honor that commitment" and "will you tell me how you feel so we can work this out," etc., etc., as WEAK, SUFFOCATING, PURSUING, and . . . ANNOYING.
Is that fair? No, it's not. You're obviously a good guy, and care very deeply for your family. But your wife isn't in the same place as you right now, and you need to accept that. LET HER GO. No, I'm not advocating that you file for divorce, but you need to love her enough to emotionally ACCEPT what she's telling you, and EMOTIONALLY let her go.
Not only are your words and actions suffocating her, she is very likely LOSING ATTRACTION for you by these supplications.
If you doubt me, just ask the women on this forum for their reactions. This is really no different than the wife who asks her husband "Where do you want to go to eat on our date tonite?" and the husband says "I don't care, whatever you want is fine with me." He THINKS he's being "easy to deal with," and "nice," but in fact women DETEST this!!!
I'm busy at the moment, but I'll try to go back and find some alternative "scripts" for you for situations like this. But they start with "Honey, I need to apologize to you. You've been trying to tell me something, and I haven't really been listening, and I certainly haven't respected what you're trying to tell me. And to be honest, I'm not sure I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me . . . "
It's been awhile, so I'd have to go back and read some of your old posts, but I your update just jumped out at me.
I can GUARANTEE you that your wife sees you as SUFFOCATING her right now. Your "do you want me to leave the kitchen?" and doing all the household chores, and "I made a commitment to you and I will honor that commitment" and "will you tell me how you feel so we can work this out," etc., etc., as WEAK, SUFFOCATING, PURSUING, and . . . ANNOYING.
Is that fair? No, it's not. You're obviously a good guy, and care very deeply for your family. But your wife isn't in the same place as you right now, and you need to accept that. LET HER GO. No, I'm not advocating that you file for divorce, but you need to love her enough to emotionally ACCEPT what she's telling you, and EMOTIONALLY let her go.
Not only are your words and actions suffocating her, she is very likely LOSING ATTRACTION for you by these supplications.
If you doubt me, just ask the women on this forum for their reactions. This is really no different than the wife who asks her husband "Where do you want to go to eat on our date tonite?" and the husband says "I don't care, whatever you want is fine with me." He THINKS he's being "easy to deal with," and "nice," but in fact women DETEST this!!!
I'm busy at the moment, but I'll try to go back and find some alternative "scripts" for you for situations like this. But they start with "Honey, I need to apologize to you. You've been trying to tell me something, and I haven't really been listening, and I certainly haven't respected what you're trying to tell me. And to be honest, I'm not sure I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me . . . "
food for thought.
Starsky
Agree ^^^
I must say that I was cringing at some of the things you say to your W. Very pursuing and shows way too much weakness. Women are repulsed by weakness, I don't care what we "say," we hate it.
Starsky and Holly I guess I am pursuing. I didn't see it that way. I Don't want to hurt my kids needlessly. I'm validating a lot of what my w says. I just don't agree with selling the house. I would like to know my w's plans for the kids. Where does she plan to live with my kids? I believe my w is throwing the fact that she wants to sell the house to pick a fight with me. I won't bite. I refuse to fight. I take all the comments my w says to me. I validate all her feelings.
I just don't understand how she can be so callous to the kids feelings in all of this. I sacriface alot for my kids... and the last 2 years I know I am picking up the majority of the kids duties. I happen to have enjoyed my time with the kids. I miss them when I don't see them. My kids are the ones missing their Mother. I have told my w that I enjoy it when the kids are happy to see their mom. I see now that I may be guilting my w. Those are not my intentions. I am trying to protect my kids. I'm not sure I'm comfortable exposing my kids to the pain I have had to endure. I undrestand I must just be there for the kids to pick up the pieces.
H 37 W 38 M 11 T 18 D 4 S 10 Bomb 27/11/2010 Separated still living in the same house 1/1/2012 No D Papers No Separation Papers
I'm going to go in a little different direction here. From what I saw you weren't doing anything to irritate your W. She "perceived" that she was irritated by you. But guess what? You're not her monkey who is there to make her happy. If SHE feels uncomfortable, I would have told her, that she is more than welcome to find another place.
If she threatened to take the kids, then firmly say no because SHE is the one who feel uncomfortable about the home and not them. That you are willing to work on things to make her feel comfortable, but she does not have the right to blame her unhappiness on you and then go off as if you didn't have a care in the world.
Again I'll reiterate...it is not your job to make her happy. It's obvious she's making herself unhappy. That doesn't affect you. Start by setting what YOU want to happen and not just reacting off of what she wants.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm going to go in a little different direction here. From what I saw you weren't doing anything to irritate your W. She "perceived" that she was irritated by you. But guess what? You're not her monkey who is there to make her happy. If SHE feels uncomfortable, I would have told her, that she is more than welcome to find another place.
If she threatened to take the kids, then firmly say no because SHE is the one who feel uncomfortable about the home and not them. That you are willing to work on things to make her feel comfortable, but she does not have the right to blame her unhappiness on you and then go off as if you didn't have a care in the world.
Again I'll reiterate...it is not your job to make her happy. It's obvious she's making herself unhappy. That doesn't affect you. Start by setting what YOU want to happen and not just reacting off of what she wants.
This is good advice for all of us to remember, everyone is responsible for his/her OWN happiness or lack thereof...
M 43, W 40 T 22. M 14 D 14, S 9, S 8 DD 11/21/11 Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!
I'm going to go in a little different direction here. From what I saw you weren't doing anything to irritate your W. She "perceived" that she was irritated by you. But guess what? You're not her monkey who is there to make her happy. If SHE feels uncomfortable, I would have told her, that she is more than welcome to find another place.
If she threatened to take the kids, then firmly say no because SHE is the one who feel uncomfortable about the home and not them. That you are willing to work on things to make her feel comfortable, but she does not have the right to blame her unhappiness on you and then go off as if you didn't have a care in the world.
Again I'll reiterate...it is not your job to make her happy. It's obvious she's making herself unhappy. That doesn't affect you. Start by setting what YOU want to happen and not just reacting off of what she wants.
Mr Bond, I have tried to maintain that viewpoint. Some days are better than others. I agree if my w is so unhappy she can leave. I don't want her to but she is free to go.
On Saturday it was my D Brithday. This whole week I have had discusions with my w with about how we would celebrate my little princess' Birthday. I asked my w if she felt all weird with me that we can have separate parties. My w thought that was a silly idea. I 'm glad she said that. We actaully planned her party together.
Saturday Morning my d had a dance recital. I was getting in to my car. My w stated that we should all go in one car, her car. I haven't been in her car in almost a year. It was wierd but familar. We share small talk. Laughed a little. My w seemed really flustered with my d. I was able to calm my d down. My w asked how do I do it so easy with my d. In my head I was thinking It is because I am always home with them. What I said was I listen to my D. Once I hear what my d has to say I can ask her do what i want. If I don't listen and force what i want My d will hold out til I listen to her. I was thinking kind of like my W. My w and I traded stories about our kids.
My d did her dance recital. My d was the sweetest little dancer. My w was observing me the whole time. I was chatting with everyone. My d was abit shy by all the other parents clapping and ran in to my arms at the end. My d was abit upset by all the attention. My d did not want my w. I just had to console my d. I saw my w and she seemed to be a bit dejected. After the rectial we went as a family to starbucks. It felt normal. I have to keep reminding my self no expectations. My w was only telling me on monday that she wants a D. My w was close to me. I think that was cause the kids were close to me.
At dinner time we had the party for my D. This was mainly my w, SIL and BIL and their kids. It felt like it always did. My w was watching me interac with her family. This is the same family that my w was trying to get me not to see at Christmas. I got the standard question from my SIL when no one was around. "Is everything ok?" I answered that is still the same. My SIL says that she could not tell that is why she asked. My little princess enjoyed her day. That is all I cared for. I hope that my w felt good about the party. I feel we both did a good job working as team.
H 37 W 38 M 11 T 18 D 4 S 10 Bomb 27/11/2010 Separated still living in the same house 1/1/2012 No D Papers No Separation Papers
Friday I had a busy week working. Since the weather is warming up took the kids on a 20 km bike ride On Sunday and Wednesday. My S had hockey multiple times this week. I had no disturbances with my w. My w even seem to open up to me on multiple occasions.
Last night my s was crying and upset when he went to sleep. About his life is not being good right now. I listened to what he had to say. My s feels bullied or picked on at school. His older cousin is picking on him. His parents( my w and me) are separating. I comforted him and told him that I love him and that will not change. I told him that his mom still loves him. My s told me that mom is so stupid. Can't she see. I got upset and told him he should not talk like that about his mom. My w was sleeping already. I convinced him to go to sleep. but it took about an hour for him to calm down.
Today at lunch I called my w. I told her about the conversation about my s. My w said that she wanted to talk to me about it later and thanked me for calling her. An intresting thing my w said that she does not know where this is coming from.
She texted me just right now.
"BIL came by to see the kitchen and order doors..I have to go to the shop to choose the type of the door."
My BIL is a Carpenter and my w is expecting him to update our kitchen to sell our house. I did not respond to my w text. I am comforted a bit by the fact my w can not sell the house with out me signing as well. My name is on the deed. Anyways my w could have told me on the telephone. Whatever.
So after work I am going to have a talk.
H 37 W 38 M 11 T 18 D 4 S 10 Bomb 27/11/2010 Separated still living in the same house 1/1/2012 No D Papers No Separation Papers
My d wanted to dance with me so I had to end the talk. To be continued.
Kids will do this to interfere when they don't like what's going on. The kids might be happy, but they're walking on egg shells most likely, waiting for another shoe to drop...
HT, my W's grandfather just went through chemo for a lung tumour and my MIL just went for surgery to remove lumps from her breasts yesterday.
I'm saying this because it seemed to me, after our SA signing end of Jan, that my W has started to "warm" to me to some degree. Maybe it had something to do with her family stress, maybe some of it had to do with the reduction in the M stress...
But... last weekend, she went cold and distant, again... again, maybe it was something I did or said, maybe it was because her mom was being prepped for surgery... who knows...
All I'm saying is, I get how frustrating it can be. I'm not making two steps forward, one back... for me, it's just a long term balance of "same old, same old".
Is that what might be happening in your sitch? If so... what can you do different...?
