btw, i'm also still struggling with the concept of "detaching." I think i've been able to "act as if" i've detached (except for some instances where i've backslid a bit), but how do i mentally detach? because H is on my mind CONSTANTLY, and i'm constantly in mental fix-it mode. i won't tell him this or act on a lot of my impulses, but its hard. i feel like in order to truly detach, i'd have to let go of H mentally as well. how do i do this? i've been trying to just plain suppress my thoughts, and it hasnt been working too well. any other ideas?
another thing i've been wondering about is: clearly, i want to continue to db & save my marriage. but at the end of the day, if H insists on D, would getting my fair share of the settlement (ie asking for alimony) even if H doesn't like or agree to the terms preclude a reconciliation down the line? this is all probably anti-detachment thinking, but what do u guys think?
what's been so hard lately is continuing to DB and "act as if" even when i know H is moving towards D.
I say, get as much as you can without impoverishing him. But, you don't want to be left hungry either. If you have children, you have to think of them first. The possibility of reconciliation down the road, after D, is only a potential event. You have to deal with the "now". Detach, GAL, and see where things go, but where financial things are concerned, you have to be tough, or you will regret it later.
Just my opinion.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
You DB to save you, sometimes the marriage is saved. That's said a lot around here.
You can't control what H does, only what you do.
You do need to protect yourself and your children financially. You are not at the point of thinking about reconciliation now, you have other steps to complete.
Have you talked to an attorney?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
i plan to go consult one soon. I feel kind of torn over this as it makes the D seem more and more real (and final). i don't want to be in denial about this but at the same time i don't want to lose sight of trying to repair the marriage either. its almost like i'm working at cross purposes with myself... trying to think for 2 (saving the marriage), but also at the same time trying to think about whats best for myself (if the D goes through).
yesterday, H wanted to talk more about the details of the D, which launched into another R talk. i'm not sure if i db'd correctly... anyway, we ended up getting into the "whys" of why H thinks that D is the answer. i reiterated that i did not want the D, and that i was still wanting to try and reconcile (i realized after the fact that this is not validating as per the 37 rules). how does one DB when H says he wants a D?
H then launched into another spew, saying that i never loved him, only wanted him to start a family, and never listened to him. When H says stuff like i don't love him, I always tend to defend myself saying that i do. looking back, should I have just agreed with him or said, "i'm sorry you feel this way?" i've been trying to not pursue H anymore, but i wonder what things i can do to show H that i really do care while taking a step back from the pursuit - any ideas????
i feel as though i've made some 180's, but H is still full throttle in D mode. he's so stubborn, that i wonder if anything i do at this point will have an effect. i mean things have definitely improved between the two of us (he's no longer angry, we are pretty friendly toward each other), but H is still treating me like a friendly roommate at best. it hurts so much when i compare how we were just a few months ago to how things are now. it really feels a lot of times like H is a whole different person (the alien analogy definitely rings true).
sigh...at times like these, i feel like i'm back at square one when it comes to DBing and that there is still so much for me to learn. i also realize that while i can "act" detached, full embodying detachment, on the other hand, is still a huge work in progress...
also, as part of the spew, h said that he doesn't love me as a husband should and that i can't "force" him to love me. i wonder if H realizes that loving feelings come and go, and that when you've been with someone for as long as we have, that love won't always feel as it does in the beginning, and that doesn't mean that it disappears. does that even matter at this point? i mean i thought about trying to argue this point with H, but backed off and said nothing instead (real 180 for me). any thoughts?
